


Enemy

by PurpleBraces



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Depression, Dissociation, Gen, Leo being a jerk, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, sad Raph
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2018-08-22 19:05:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 23,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8296753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleBraces/pseuds/PurpleBraces
Summary: Raph is tired of feeling like the enemy in his own home, and he decides to say something about it. A lack of communication leads to more tension, and Raph decides that maybe he's better off alone. Meanwhile, Shredder catches wind of his departure, and soon begins plotting to corrupt the red turtle, and bring down Hamato Yoshi once and for all. Takes place after Turtle Temper, then veers off canon.





	1. Open the Floodgates

It had been a long day. Spider Bytez has been defeated, the Kraang are done for, at least for now, and the turtles are tired and ready to go home. The night is cool and normally noisy, cars on the road and the human's loud voices a soothing balm to the turtles' senses. However, something wasn't right. Not in the sense that they were in danger, not exactly, but the feeling that there was something hanging in the air, a sort of tension that seemed to suffocate anyone who dared to speak up into silence. It seemed to be permeating from the second oldest, who was walking in the back of the group, his eyes glazed ad dark as he gazed into the distance in front of them.

Donnie and Leo glanced at each other, then at Mikey, who seemed to notice the change in their brother's attitude as well. Something was bugging Raph, and usually the brothers would know about it firsthand because when Raph was upset about something, he let everyone know, whether they wanted to hear it or not. This time, however, Raph was silent. No grunts, no mumbled curses, not even a hateful glare. And that was what was worrying the other turtles.

"You really came through today, Raph." Leo said awkwardly, trying to drag Raph out of whatever slump he was in. He would rather have Raph cocky and gloating then this weird air of sadness and...seemingly resignation that was surrounding him.

'Resignation about what?' Leo asked himself, growing even more concerned when Raph just gave a small nod and a puff of air that was supposed to be a laugh.

Mikey, picking up on the somber mood, for once had nothing to say. He had always been able to pull Raph out of him slumps when no one else could. But that was when Raph was angry. Mikey had no idea what to do with this new development, and his hopelessness showed on his face, in his eyes.

"...Why don't you order the pizza tonight? Whatever you want, man!" Mikey tried, but Raph just shook his head.

"No thanks, Mikey. I'm not hungry." Raph mumbled, trying to smile. Donnie was almost insulted at how fake it was.

When they got to the lair, Raph headed for his room, and Donnie nearly tripped over himself to catch up.

"Raph, you okay? You seem kinda...off. Did Spider Bytez injure you?" he asked, and he heard his brothers pause in what they were doing to listen into the conversation.

Raph gave him a blank look, but Donnie knew his brother's habits well enough to know what to look for. He didn't like what he found. Raph's eyes were swimming with anger, sadness, and desperation. The thing that made Donnie step back was the amount of distrust. He was looking at Donnie, at all of them like they were his enemies, like they couldn't be trusted and they were not safe to be around.

"Yeah, I'm okay." Raph's voice snapped Donnie out of his thoughtful stupor, in time to see Raph heading for his room once again.

"Raphael, perhaps it would be wise to spend some time put here with your brothers and I instead of staying cooped up in your room." Master Splinter advised, having just come out of his room when he heard his sons arrive home.

Donnie sensed the atmosphere drop, as if someone had just said something that wasn't supposed to said, as if there was about to be some kind of explosion of, well, whatever it was that was on Raph's mind. And boy, did that explosion come, though it was not what they all expected. They had expected maybe he was mad at Spider Bytez, or mad about something that had happened earlier. Which was true, he was mad about something that happened, earlier. The other turtles and Master Splinter just didn't how mad he was. They were about to find out.

"What, so you all can laugh at me some more? Or ignore me unless I do something out of line so you can call me out for it?" Came the mumbled reply.

Leo raised a brow. "Raph, what do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean, Leonardo." Raph replied, his voice cold and angry.

Donnie's eyes widened. "Raph, are you talking about what happened in the dojo today? Look, we were just venting. We didn't really mean-"

"Yes, you did." Raph cut him off.

"Raphael, explain yourself." Master Splinter demanded.

Raph gave a rueful smile that was as unsettling as it was sad. He crossed his arms and straightened his back in a defense posture that they had only seen used on enemies. It didn't feel good, and it made them all tense.

"Look, I know I'm a hothead. I know that sometimes I beat on you guys, and make you upset. But today in the dojo, I realized something." Raph took a breath. "You guys don't want me here."

Loud protests met his words, but Raph kept going like he couldn't hear them, so the turtles quieted down so they could hear the explanation that Raphael was seemingly about to give.

"Leo. I guess you were right. I am just a baby under all of my bravado. I can admit that. I get scared, I have feelings. But guess what? I keep them to myself, not because I'm a hard ass, but because I don't want to have to dump all my problems on you. Why do you think I leave the lair all the time? I'm not comfortable here. The way you guys act around each other, is not how you act around me. Every time you talk to me, any of you, there always that tiny hint of wariness or agitation, like you're just waiting for me to blow up and snap at you. I know it's my fault, but it still hurts. You look at me like I'm not your brother, but your enemy, and let me tell you it feels like shit."

Leo, Mikey and Donnie all stared at him, wondering where all these thoughts had come from and feeling guilty that they never picked up on them. Master Splinter approached Raphael, his eyes confused and solemn.

"My son, I did not know you felt this way. Why did you not say anything?"

Raph's eyes hardened, and he took a step away from Master Splinter.

"I tried."

Master Splinter thought back and realized with a jolt that indeed, Raphael had tried to talk to him multiple times in the past few weeks, but either Master Splinter was too distracted, or he was busy handling one of the other brothers.

"My son, I am sor-"

"Well you're too late!" Raph snapped, and Master Splinter took a step back as Raph let go of his reservations and told him all of the thoughts that had been eating away at him for sometime.

"Every day. Every day I wake up and try my best. I try my best in training, I try my best to control my temper, I try my best to be a son you can be proud of, and what do I get in return? Reprimands, every time I do something that can be seen as even slightly out of place. Well I'm sick of it. It's like everything good I try to do, doesn't seem to matter. Only my flaws seem good enough to point out. Well I'm tired of waking up every morning and dreading the day ahead of me. I'm tired of not being able to be myself. I'm tired of not being good enough." Raph's voice wobbled slightly at the end, and he took a deep breath to steady himself.

Leo took the pause to speak up. "Raph, we're sorry-"

"I don't want to hear it. Just leave me alone."

Donnie had tears of guilt in his eyes, and Mikey had a hand over his mouth in shock. Master Splinter was staring at his red banded son, wondering where he had gone so wrong to drive his son to this point.

"So like I said before, I'm going to my room." Raph said, and this time nobody stopped him.


	2. Ninja Vanish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph is missing.

Leo woke up the next morning with a few seconds of peace. Donnie would be in his lab, Mikey would still be asleep, and Raph would be in the dojo...Then reality came crashing down on him like a sheet of ice, chilling him to the bone. Raph's outburst from yesterday permeated his mind, replaying over and over, each word piercing his brain and giving him a headache before he even managed to roll out of bed.

"Today's going to be a long day." Leo muttered to himself, grabbing his gear. He did know one thing, however. He was going to get his little brother to talk to him, and then he would apologize, a thousand times over if he had to.

However, when he peeked inside the dojo, Raph wasn't there. He wasn't in the kitchen, he wasn't watching tv, he wasn't in his room. Leo started to panic when he realized that Raph was gone. After what happened last night, who knew where he could've gone!

"Guys, have you seen Raph?" he asked frantically when Donnie and Mikey came down for breakfast.

"No, why?" Donnie asked worriedly.

"He's gone! After what happened last night, who knows where he could of gone, or if he plans on coming back!" Leo freaked.

Mikey paled and ran to get Master Splinter, who was troubled by the news. He usually would've heard or sensed if any of them were trying to sneak out, and the fact that Raph was able to do it so seamlessly unnerved him more than he wanted to admit.

"Call April. Ask if she's seen or heard from Raphael. If not, then we'll wait until nightfall to look for him topside. For now, we will search for him in the sewers." Master Splinter said, his voice worried and strained. That put them all on edge. Splinter was almost always calm, and now that he was so upset, they had no idea what to think or how to act.

Donnie called April. Unfortunately, hadn't seen Raphael, but she'd said she would take a day off from school to look for him doing the day, as well as help look for him during the night with the other turtles. Master Splinter tried to dissuade her from missing school, but April O'Neil wouldn't be swayed so he let her do as she pleased.

They all tried calling Raph's T-Phone, but he didn't answer any of them, not even Master Splinter.  
\---  
"I wonder where he could've gone..." April murmured as she left her house with her dad. He wanted to help and he refused to let April go alone.

"I don't know, April. What I want to know is what made him so upset that he disappeared like that in the first place." Kirby O'Neil replied.

"Leo said that they had some sort of falling out, but that's a usual thing. Whatever happened must have really pushed Raph over the edge." April murmured worriedly.

"I was thinking the same thing. " the man sighed. "Whatever happened, there was a reason. We should probably visit the turtles and ask what may have happened to make him leave last night, then ask if there are any places that Raph likes to go when he gets upset."

"I never really talked to Raph about that kind of stuff, either. We always hung out in a group, so we ever really talked in depth like we could've. Maybe I could've helped him or something." the teenager said, feeling guilty.

"Let's not focus on what we could've done to help. Instead, focus on what we can do now to help." Kirby said, and April couldn't help but smile at the positive message.

"Did the turtles try calling Raph?" Mr. O'Neil asked.

April nodded. "Yes, but he wouldn't answer any of their calls, not even Master Splinter."

"Did you try calling him?"

"Why would I call him if he wouldn't even answer his brothers?" she asked, confused.

"Because he's not mad at you, he's mad at his brothers." Kirby replied.

April thought for a moment and decided that it made sense...but she decided to wait until nighttime to call so she could find him if he let her.

"Raph, please don't get into any trouble..." she murmured.


	3. Outsider

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donnie has a bit of a freak out.

April and her dad searched all day, but to no avail. Raph knew the nooks and crannies of New York; he was the one who while his brothers were sitting at home, went out and became familiar with the dark underbelly of the city. If anyone could hide, it was Raphael. Not to mention Irma kept texting her and wanting to know why she was absent.

When night finally fell, April went to the lair and sent the text to Raphael, the other turtles and Splinter crowded around her.

'Raph, are you okay?' The wait seemed to be endless. Finally, they got a reply.

'Yeah.' The group let out a collective sigh of relief. April decided to push her luck with the next one.

'Where are you?' Raph took longer to answer with this one, and April started to think that she had lost him when he replied.

'Safe.' She frowned. It wasn't the answer she had wanted, but it was better than nothing.

"Ask him when he's coming home." Leo said over her shoulder, and she typed it out in her own words.

'Everyone is so worried about you. When are you coming home?'

'Never.'

The reply wasn't received well, to say the least.

"W-What does he mean, 'never!' He can't just leave and expect us not to look for him or worry about him!" Donnie exclaimed.

April decided to just call Raph, since it felt too impersonal to talk about something so serious through text. Surprisingly, he answered. Everyone went silent and gathered back around the phone to hear what was going to be said.

"Raph, you can't mean that! Your brothers and Master Splinter are worried sick!" April said quickly, her mind racing for a way to change Raph's decision.

"They'll get over it." The hothead responded gruffly. "Look, I'm not going to come back just to feel like an enemy in my own home."

Mikey couldn't take it anymore. He snatched the phone from April and started begging. "Raphie, please come home! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I need my big brother back!"

Raphael sighed. "Mikey, I'm not coming home. I know you're upset right now but you'll be fine without me. You have Donnie, Leo, Master Splinter and April to look after you. You don't need me anymore." Before Mikey or anyone else could protest, Raph hung up on the other end.

"No! Raph-" Donnie called, but it was no use.

"He can't do this! W-We need to find him, as soon as possible!" Leo said, standing up.

"No, my son." Leo gawked at Master Splinter, who was standing off to the side.

"What?! Why not, Master Splinter!" Donnie asked quickly.

"If Raphael does not want to come home, then going to look for him is a lost cause. He needs to return, if he returns, out of his own free will." The rat master said calmly.

"But sensei, he's our brother! You can't expect us to-" Leo started, but Master Splinter cut him off.

"I expect you to trust me, Leonardo." Then the rat retired to his room to meditate.

"Guys, come on. We can't leave Raph out there all alone! He wouldn't do that if the positions were changed." April said, but none of the brothers moved.

"Come on! What are you waiting for!" She exclaimed.

Mikey sighed. "April, Splinter's right. Raph won't come home unless he really wants to, so going to look for him will probably do more harm than good."

"We just need to trust in Raph to come home." Leo added, sitting on the couch.

April couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Are you serious?! I don't know if you've noticed, but your brother is missing! Do you even care?"

Donnie whirled on her, getting in her face and forcing her to take a step back. "Do we care? Do we care?! Of course we fucking care, April! He's our brother, for fuck's sake! I think we'd know our brother better than you do, since we've been with him our whole lives, and furthermore we can make the best decision based on what we know about Raph. Which, compared to you, is a hell of a lot more!" He yelled at her, making her mouth drop open. He had never, ever yelled at her before. It was terrifying, and suddenly April felt very ashamed.

"Donnie, relax." Leo said, and Mikey pulled the genius gently away from the girl.

"You had no right to open your mouth, April." Donnie hissed, never breaking eye contact with the girl.

"No right to act like you know our brother better than we do."


	4. Unexpected Assistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey Jones enters the picture.

"You had no right to open your mouth..."

"No right to act like you know your brother better than we do..."

"No right..."

"No right..."

April sighed and shut her locker, Donnie's words spinning in her head over and over on a loop. After his outburst, April had left and wandered New York to look for Raphael some more. That was three days ago. None of the guys were answering her calls, and while she did catch glimpses of them on the rooftops every night, they don't talk to her anymore. Except Mikey with a quick text every know and then, but even those are abrupt and lacking his usual self.

"Hey, Red. Why so glum?" April sighed, turning to face her most recent tutoring subject; Casey Jones.

"Look, I'm not in the mood for any of your fake teenage boy bravado, so what do you want?" She snapped.

Casey held his hands up in surrender, his eyes widening. He'd seen the girl exasperated, usually when he decided to flirt with her instead of doing his work, but never so upset. He took note of the bags around her eyes and the way she clenched her fists as if to prepare herself.

"A-Are you okay?" He asked hesitantly, in a softer voice.

April sighed, some of the fire leaving her. "No...My best friend ran away and I'm worried about him." She admitted. It might have not been the best idea, but she needed someone to talk to since the turtles had gone silent when it came to her. She honestly felt a little angry; Raphael was important to her, too.

"Whoa, that's rough...Do you know why?" He asked, leaning against the lockers.

April shrugged. "...Sort of, but his brothers are being secretive about everything that happened." She said.

Casey frowned. "Well, that's not going to help. One of the main problems probably is keeping everything a secret."

"How so?" April asked.

"Nothing ever gets solved if you bottle it all up and tell no one. It's also not good if you're in an environment that makes someone feel uncomfortable to open up, as if they'll be judged or made fun of." The boy shrugged. "It just seems like your friend's brothers' are digging themselves into a deeper hole."

April stared at him with her mouth hanging open. She had barely told him anything about what was going on, how did he come up with something that fit the situation almost perfectly? Man, if only he could talk to Raph...

Then she got an idea. A crazy, wonderful idea. Casey and Raphael were similar in a lot of ways; their love of violence, their bravado, their secret soft side. Maybe Casey could get through to Raph! The only thing was to convince Casey to do it, then to convince the guys to let him...

"Casey, do you think, if you see him around, you could...talk to him?" She asked.

Casey blinked. "Um, do you really think that'll help, Red? He doesn't even know me." He replied.

"I know, but you two are actually very similar, personality-wise at least. Maybe if he has someone to talk to, he'll come home sooner." She suggested, looking at him pleadingly.

Casey bit his lip as he thought it over, rubbing the back of his neck. Did he really want to get caught up in another kid's drama? It wasn't really his business, and he was sure the kid had to come home eventually, right? But a nagging voice in the back of his head told him that he should do what he could to help, since he was always talking about protecting the city with his masked vigilante shtick that he'd never actually put into motion. It'd be a chance to finally put his money where his mouth was, and plus it meant helping out someone in need.

"Okay, Red. I'll do it." Casey relented, and April beamed happily. "So, what does he look like, in case I see him?"

"O-Oh, um...I-I don't have any pictures of him." That was partially not true. She had pictures of Raphael, and all of the guys, at home in a small shoe box since she didn't want the Kraang hacking her phone and taking the pictures. That would be catastrophic.

Casey raised an eyebrow. "What, is he camera shy or something?"

"Something like that..." April chuckled nervously.

"So, am I going to meet his brothers first?" Casey asked.

April winced. She knew the boys would be against the idea since Casey was a human, not to mention they wanted to find Raphael on their own. She assumed to prove that they could bring their brother home without outside help, which April herself had apparently become.

"...No, I don't think they'd want you to help." She finally said.

Casey didn't look to pleased, but he didn't offer a verbal complaint. "Okay, but how am I going to know what to look for?"

"I'll show you a picture of him when you come over to study with me tonight." She said, her heart racing in her chest.

"Sounds good, Red." The bell rang then, and Casey began to walk away. "I'll see you after school."

April watched him go for a second before closing her locker and sighing. Was this a good idea? What if Casey flipped out and blabbed to everyone? The turtles and Master Splinter would never forgive her. Maybe it wasn't too late to go back...

April shook her head. No. She wasn't giving up. The boys had cut her out of their search, but April wasn't going to let that stop her from finding her friend.

She wasn't a Hamato, but Raphael was still her brother.

And she'd do whatever it took to get him back.


	5. We're Going To Find Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Foreshadowing. Also, an introduction that doesn't go as well as it could have.

Raphael didn't like the cold.

He never had; ever since he was younger he always was the most susceptible to it. His brothers used to all huddle together when they were younger, Master Splinter reading them a story until they drifted off. A bittersweet smile crossed his lips as he thought back to where the brothers were closer, would do anything just to show they cared. It was second nature then.

That smile faded as he thought about their more recent years. It was Leo who separated from them first, of course. He said since he was going to be the leader, he needed to grow up before his brothers so he could lead his brothers effectively. Raph promised himself that night, a lot colder with only two brothers instead of three, that he wouldn't let Leo become the leader. He feared if Leo became the leader, than he would lose his brother forever.

Fast forward to now.

Leo was the leader, he and Raph didn't get along, and Raph finally couldn't take it anymore. He refused to stay with people who he had to walk on eggshells around, who he had to pretend to be tough and rude because any other true form of emotion is an almost guaranteed teasing. Raph knew this wasn't all their fault; a lot of it was his as well for not being able or willing to express himself in a coherent way. Raph didn't know why, but one of the hardest things to do was say he needed help.

Finally he opened his eyes, looking around his makeshift home. He'd found an old abandoned building on the other side of town, wanting to be as far away from his family as possible without completely losing track of them. He figured when they finally stropped looking for him and finally got the hint, he'd tail them on patrols sometimes just to make sure they weren't overwhelmed. If something happened then...he'd step in. Be the hero they deserved. Or something like that. He sighed and studied the sky from his perch on the upper floor, a small alcove really, where he'd set up camp for now. Raph didn't plan on making this permanent, just until he could get his hands on something more stable.

Stable...The Shredder's Foot probably had stability...

Raph shook the treacherous thought from his head quickly. He'd never join the Foot, stable or not! No matter how hurt Raphael was, he'd never so completely turn his back on his family like that. Not to mention the Shredder was just a horrible man. Raph knew he wouldn't be able to do even the more milder tasks he'd heard of the Foot doing from the brother's nightly stakeouts.

Raph turned his gaze back to the sky, searching for something that simply wasn't in his reach yet.

\---

"Promise you won't freak out?" April asked, for the fifth time.

Casey sighed, rolling his eyes for the ninth time. "Yes, Red. I promise I won't freak out when I see a picture of your friend. Geez, does he have really bad acne or something?" He asked, wanting to get this over with.

"No, it's just..." April bit her lip. "...He's a mutant."

Casey blinked. "W-What? April, that's so dangerous! Remember what happened with that freaky slime mutant? Mutants are evil!"

April immediately went on the defensive. "Actually, the ones I know are not evil. Not every mutant is a crazed killing machine, Casey." She snapped, in a tone that double dog dared him to insult her friends again. She may not be on the best terms with them, but she'd be damned if she let some hockey punk talk shit about them.

Casey blinked, not used to April being so forceful. He thought it over, and April wasn't naive or overly trusting. He could see she was a good judge of character, and he decided to give this a chance.

"Alright, fine. I'll keep my mouth shut for now. Can I see a picture of him now?" He asked impatiently.

April sighed and headed to her room to get one of the photos from her shoe box. She looked for one of just Raph, but didn't have one. She just chose a recent family photo they'd all taken together, smiling at it as she brought it back to the living room where Casey was waiting.

"Here," She said, handing him the picture, "Raphael is the one in red."

Casey blinked at the picture, almost wanting to think this was some kind of joke she was playing on him.

"T-This is him?" He asked, pointing to Raphael, who was smirking cockily in the picture.

April nodded. "Yep, that's Raphael."

Casey scanned the picture for another long 10 seconds, before finally handing it back.

"So, where do we start?"

April blinked, her mouth dropping open slightly. "Y-You're going to help?" She asked incredulously.

"Of course I'm going to. He's your friend, and he doesn't seem like a bad guy, I guess." Casey shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets.

April beamed, almost wanting to hug hum but holding back because she knew she'd never live it down.

"I...I'm not sure where to look for him. Raph knows the best hiding places in New York City, since he's up here the most at night." She explained, tilting her head. She'd never really hung out with Raph alone, so she didn't know where he went when he left the lair alone. His brothers didn't even know, since Raph was surprisingly good at slipping away when no one was looking.

Hell, sometimes even when they were.

Casey and April spent the rest of the time on the computer, looking up a map of New York City and trying to pinpoint some spots where Raphael might have gone.

"Well, maybe he's not in New York City anymore." Casey pointed out.

"He is." April said shortly, never turning away from her laptop.

"How do you know?" Casey asked, raising an eyebrow.

April paused, her slender fingers poised over the keys.

"I don't. But it's something I need to believe in. I need to believe that what ever happened can be fixed." She said.

"Just because this guy might still be in New York doesn't mean this can be fixed, April. Sometimes people don't want to forgive, especially if he's been feeling this way for a long time." Casey tried to explain, but April wasn't having it.

"You don't know him like I do. If Raphael was truly done, he wouldn't have answered the phone when I called him the other day. This is the best lead we have Casey, and I'm going to use it." April said, her voice firm.

Casey sighed and nodded, realizing that there was nothing he could say right now.

All he could do was hope she was right, for her and Raphael's sake.


	6. A Good Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey and Raph meet face to face.

Casey Jones was not a coward.

It was something he prided himself on daily, that he could hold his head high and strut down the meanest of high school hallways without a flinch. He was a king in his own mind; a god, even. He was an idol, a cool guy, whatever you wanted to call him. He. Was. Amazing, plain and simple.

But when Casey was trudging through the sewers with questionable substances coating his pants, he didn't feel so amazing. He felt like he wanted to bathe in bleach. April had wanted to bring him down here to meet the missing turtle-

'Raph,' his brain supplied. The turtle's name was Raph, and they were currently heading to meet his brothers.

'Red, is this really a good idea? From what you told me, these guys won't be too happy if you brought someone down here without their permission." He said, looking around warily. There were rats in the sewers, and if he saw one that was even a smidgen too close, he was running and never looking back.

Again, Casey Jones was not a coward.

"I told you Casey, they were just upset. I know the guys, and once we explain everything, they'll be sure to let you help." April said, trying to sound convincing. She actually wasn't so sure, but she had faith in the guys, and for her that was enough.

Casey felt more and more uneasy the longer they walked. Something just felt...off, like he was intruding on something he shouldn't be.

"April, are you sure-," He tried again, just wanting to be absolutely sure.

"Casey, stop asking me!" April blew up, whirling to face him. "If you're so unsure about this, than just go! I don't need your help anyway! I can find Raph on my own!"

Casey held his hands up in surrender. "Whoa, April! Just calm down, I didn't mean anything by it. I just don't want to cause anymore unnecessary drama." He said.

"Don't tell me to calm down! I am so sick of everyone doubting me!" April snapped.

"I don't doubt you, Red! Look, how about we go back up top and we can come back down here another time, when tensions between you and the turtles isn't so high?" He suggested.

April bit her lip, a bit torn between wanting to march on and listening to what was probably a more logical plan. It had been only three days since she'd last seen the turtles; maybe they needed to come to her?

She finally sighed, her shoulders slumping in defeat. "Fine. But we will be coming back." She said, determined.

Casey nodded, even though he wasn't absolutely sure about that. But if it got April to leave, he would agree with whatever she said.

"Did you want to go out for some pizza? Maybe chill out a little?" He asked, for once not flirting with her. he really was worried about April; she seemed so stressed out and irritated all the time.

April shook her head, too tired. "Honestly, I just want to go home and get some sleep. Maybe next time." She said.

Casey nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Cool. I'll see you tomorrow, Red." He headed in the direction of his home, but he didn't intend to stay there. Raphael was out there somewhere, and Casey Jones had said he would help find him.

So that's exactly what he would do.

\---

He started his search small. Abandoned stores, secluded rooftops, things like that. He didn't find anything useful, though. He thought maybe he would be at the junkyard, and texted April to ask her what she thought. He had forgot she'd been sleeping until he pressed send, but she surprisingly responded right away.

'He probably won't be at the junkyard, since Donnie goes there often to search for spare parts and stuff,' the message read. Well Casey was kind of at a loss now. It was getting late, nearly 1 AM, and he needed to get up in 5 hours for school.

He decided to finally call it quits...until he heard a voice. He looked around for the source, before noticing shadows on the roof of an abandoned pizzeria. He hadn't checked there for Raph, since it seemed a bit too obvious since April had told him that the turtles worshiped pizza. He bit his lip, deciding to go around back and climb up to see just who was up there.

He used the fire escape, leaving his gear on the ground so it didn't clang or fall out. He peeked up over the roof, his eyes bugging at what he saw.

It was him. Raphael, the missing mutant turtle. He seemed to be talking to himself, or angrily muttering was more like it. His eyes were even brighter up close...He was very muscular, and even though he was more than a head shorter than Casey, he knew that Raphael could probably break his spine without a single blink. And if Casey Jones found that attractive, that was no one's business but his own.

"Hey!" He called, making the turtle jump and turn. He tensed, prepared to run off back into the darkness.

"No, wait! Raph!" Casey saw a flash of green before he was pinned against the wall of the roof and the turtle. Oh shit, those teeth looked sharp as hell...

"How the fuck do you know my name?" Raphael asked roughly. "Are you working with the Foot Clan or something?"

Casey let out an incredulous laugh. "The Foot Clan?! Look, I don't know what that is, but even if I did I wouldn't be in any group with a name like that. Casey Jones has standards." He said cockily.

Raph raised an eye ridge, but he stepped back out of Casey's personal space. "Alright...Then how do you know who I am."

"...April told me." He held up his hands when eh saw the anger shrouding the mutant's face." B-But only because she was desperate to find you! She was worried."

Raph looked away, a deep frown on his face. "Well I didn't want to be found. Leave, don't come back, and don't tell April you saw me." He said.

Casey blinked several times, totally taken off guard. "Wait, are you serious?! You can't just-"

WHAM!

Casey's last thought before he dropped like a rock was, "I just got punched by a hot mutant ninja turtle. Awesome.' Then he surrendered to the darkness and possible concussion.

\---

"You saw him?!" April said excitedly, sitting across from Casey in the lunch cafeteria.

"Yeah I saw him, and he knocked me out!" Casey huffed, wincing at the tinge in his jaw. There was a light bruise, but Casey just said it was a hockey incident.

He looked offended when he heard April chuckling. "I can't believe you're laughing! He could've knocked out one of my teeth, and I'm trying to hang on to what I have left!"

"I'm sorry, I'm just - so relieved to have heard something about Raph, even if your interaction with him was...not so good."

"Well, hopefully it'll be better when I find him again tonight." Casey mused.

"Wait, you're going to look for him again? Didn't you learn anything from this encounter?" April asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I learned that Raphael has some really nice biceps." He offered, smirking when April rolled her eyes.

\---

That night, Casey went out to the abandoned pizzeria again, hoping the turtle would stop by. If his assumptions were right, this was where the turtle was hiding out, and that meant he had to come back.

He waited for a good hour or so, playing on his phone and whistling a bit. If he was smart, he would've paid attention to the whoosh of air that brushed against his back. But Casey Jones had never claimed to be smart.

"Aah!" Casey let out a sharp shout as he was yanked up from his seat on the edge of the roof and dangled upside down off of it.

"I thought I told you not to come back." Raphael growled, holding Casey buy a single foot.

"Dude, chill! What is your problem?!" Casey flailed, his heart racing. "I'm trying to help, you jerk!"

"I don't want your help." Raphael said, but he pulled the teen boy back up on the roof. Casey was kind of disturbed at how easily the turtle could lift him with one hand.

"I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for April." He snapped, glaring at the jerky turtle.

"I already told her that I wasn't ready to go home. She needs to understand that." the turtle crossed his arms, and Casey heaved an annoyed sigh.

"Why did you even leave in the first place, Raph?" He asked.

Raph growled, and Casey was taken aback when he was faced with suddenly white eyes. What the hell?! That was so cool but terrifying at the same time.

"Raphael. Only my friends and family call me Raph, and you hold neither of those titles." He growled. Casey rolled his eyes, trying really hard to remember why he was doing this in the first place.

"Fine, whatever. But don't change the subject. Why did you leave, Raphael?" Casey said with a slightly mocking tone.

"And why should I tell you anything?" Raph asked.

"You don't have to! Jeez, I'm just trying to figure out what the hell is going on here!" Casey snapped, getting tired of this turtle's attitude. Raphael blinked at him, seemingly caught a bit off guard.

"Look," Casey began, taking a deep breath, "I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I really do want to help. And not only because of April, but because I know what it's like to want to run away from everyone."

Raphael stared at him, not sure how to respond. He didn't know if he could trust this human, but something told him that whether he trusted him or not, he would keep coming. He could move, but Raphael Hamato was not run out of any place by anybody.

"...I didn't run away." He finally said, but Casey noticed a shift in the turtle's demeanor; a little less wary and a bit more open. It wasn't much, but it was the start of something.

"Whatever you say, dude." Casey smirked, sitting back down at the edge of the roof. A few moments later, Raphael joined him, sitting a bit farther back unless someone happened to walk by and look up. They didn't say anything for the whole hour and a half they sat there before Casey went home, but Casey felt like it was a good start that Raphael hadn't pummeled him into the ground.

"See you tomorrow, dude." Casey waved, and while Raph didn't wave back, he didn't tell Casey not to return.

And that was enough for him.


	7. Tensions Rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The brothers reunite for a time, and it doesn't end well.

Raphael found himself by the high school at dusk the next day, on the roof to be exact. He knew since today was Wednesday, that April was in her Mathletes club. He had thought a lot about what Casey said, and how April was the first one to make any contact with him. His brothers were there when she called the one time, but he hadn't heard anything from them since.

"They probably think I'll come back when I 'blow off steam,'" He muttered, rolling his eyes. "They'll get the picture eventually."

He had decided earlier to wait for her to come out and then talk to her when she got home. He knew he could've waited for her at her house, but he didn't know if Mr. O'Neil would be okay with it. He saw her finally except the building, talking to some girl with glasses. Irma, he thought her name was.

He sent her a text, reading: "On the roof."

He saw her pull out her phone, then look around eagerly. He didn't catch her attention, since her friend was still with her.

He got a reply a moment later: "I'll meet you at my house?"

He sent back an affirmative, then headed on his way.

\---

April felt like a jerk.

As soon as she had replied to Raph's text, she had sent a message to Donnie, telling him that Raph would be at her house soon. Donnie said they were on their way, and it wasn't until then that April realized that she may have fucked up. Raph had made it crystal clear that he had no intention of talking to them. She might have just broken his trust in her. Hopefully this would go well...

When she got home, the three turtles were waiting by her windowsill. The sewer grate was right in front of her house, so they didn't have to nearly cross town like Raph did.

"Where is he?" Leo asked, not even giving her a chance to say hello.

"Not here, as you can see." April huffed back. "And hello to you, too."

Leo had the decency to look sheepish, but Donnie wasn't having it.

"Step off, April. We've all had a rough time." He said. "We have a right to be upset with you."

April looked confused, throwing her hands up. "What did I do?!"

"You nearly brought a human to our lair." April froze at the response, her eyes wide in surprise.

"H-How did you know that?" She stammered.

"I have cameras all throughout the sewer system, in case the Kraang or Shredder's minions try to sneak attack us." Donnie said, glaring down at her. Although his voice was calm, she could see the fire burning behind his eyes.

"Guys, I can explain-" She began.

"Explain what?" Raph landed on her fire escape, his fairly nonchalant looking melting into something more angry and betrayed when he saw his brothers.

"What are they doing here?" He demanded, taking a step back.

"Bro, April told us you were here and we came to bring you home. Master Splinter is worried sick about you!" Mikey cut in, his first time speaking since they'd been here.

"I thought I told you that I'm not coming home." Raph huffed.

Leo rolled his eyes. "Raphael, don't you think this temper tantrum has gone on long enough?"

SLAP!

Leo stared at April in shock, rubbing his stinging cheek from where she'd whacked him with the umbrella she kept in the side pocket of her book bag.

"What is wrong with you?!" She yelled. "You make your brother feel so isolated and unwanted that he runs away from home, and you have the audacity to call this a 'temper tantrum'?!" She panted.

No one knew what to say. April was usually level-headed and calm, and now causing her to blow up had everyone at a loss. Raph broke the stillness by putting an arm on April's shoulder and leaning in to whisper in her ear.

"This is why I didn't want to see them." His voice was low and hurt, Leo's words cutting into him unpleasantly. That feeling of inferiority flooded through him, making him feel nauseous and restless. "I'm getting out of here."

"No." April said. "You can stay with me." She took his hand, pulling him towards her window.

"As for you," She tuned to glare at the rest of the brothers, "Don't come back until you're ready to apologize."

"We'll apologize when you explain why you brought a human to our home without our permission." Leo rebutted, meeting her gaze stubbornly.

"Who are you talking about?" Raph asked exasperatedly, just wanting the conversation to be over.

"Casey." April replied.

Oh, him."

"Do you know him?!" Mikey asked, wondering why he'd never heard of Raph's other friend.

"Yes, but I only met him recently." Raph replied vaguely.

"Why did you meet him?" Leo asked, eyes narrowed.

Raph growled a bit. "Leo, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not really in any mood to tell you anything. Casey's my friend, and that's all you need to know. So deal with it and go home."

"But...it's your home, too..." Mikey murmured, looking at him with those big pleading eyes. Raph wasn't budging this time.

"Not anymore." He said, looking away from the pain in Mikey's eyes.

"Let's just go." Donnie finally said. "We can't force him to come home, and we told Master Splinter we'd be back 5 minutes ago." The turtles had lied to Splinter, since he'd told them to wait for Raph to come home.

Leo sighed, annoyed that he didn't get his way. "Fine, let's go team." Without a second glance, he leaped down into the sewer.

Donnie and Mikey lingered, looking torn.

"Just go, guys. Before Leo gets more upset." Raph said.

"...I hope you can come home soon." Donnie whispered, as if he was saying something forbidden and Leo would come up and catch him.

"...That might not happen, bro." Raph replied, feeling a twinge of regret.

Donnie just nodded. He didn't know exactly how Raph felt, but he agreed that Leo was acting...not right. As if he was so much better than Raph. But what could Donnie say? Leo never listened to him.

"I understand." Donnie said, before jumping down as well.

Mikey didn't say anything, but he gave Raph a huge hug, wanting to remember the feel of his big brother's hugs in case he never got one again. Then he was gone.

"Wow." April said, and Raph nodded in agreement.

They went inside, and Raph mused if Donnie would do more to found out about-

"Aw, I'm your friend Raphie?"

Casey Jones.


	8. Don't Take It Personally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph is a prickly ball of emotion. Meanwhile, Leo gets a reality check.

"How did you even get in my house?" April asked with a raised brow as the two humans and mutant sat at the kitchen table. April had warmed up some leftover pizza in the microwave and was currently working on her homework.

"You left the door unlocked. I was going to text you but I heard you arguing on the fire escape and I wanted to see what was going on." Casey looked over at the red banded turtle, who had been fairly quiet since they came in.

"Hey...you okay, man? It got pretty heated out there." Casey muttered.

Raph raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm fine, okay? Buzz off." He said roughly.

Casey raised his hands in surrender, not taking the harsh words personally. He could tell that Raph was still sore about what had happened on the fire escape, but he also had an image to keep up. He could respect that.

Silence settled in the kitchen they ate, and April finally swallowed her apprehension and asked what had been on her mind.

"Do you think you'll ever go home?"

Silence followed her question, thick like a choking fog. Raph stared down at his hands with wide eyes, his body tense. Casey cleared his throat to break up the silence, but it only seemed to thicken even more.

"I-U-Um..." April was scrambling to think of an apology, to come up with something to erase the invasive question, when Raph finally spoke up.

"Honestly... I don't know. I thought I would miss home a lot more than I do, but I don't. I like being out on my own, without feeling like I always have to push to be seen in the same spotlight as my brothers." He murmured, looking away from the pitying gazes he knew he was getting.

"Don't you miss your brothers?" April asked softly.

"Again, not as much as I thought I would." The turtle replied under his breath.

"How can you not miss them?" Casey hadn't meant it to be accusing, but that's exactly how it came out. Raph bristled and shot him a dark look, a growl beginning in his throat.

"Because I don't, Casey! It's nice not having the weight and expectations of being the perfect son on my shoulders when I know I have nothing special to offer!" He snapped.

Casey held his hands up in surrender. "R-Raph, I didn't mean it like that-" He tried to mitigate, but Raph wasn't listening anymore.

"No, fuck you!" He replied, stomping upstairs. April counted down the seconds. 3, 2,... and there was the slamming door, right on cue. She sighed and rested her chin in the palm of her hand.

"That went well." She snorted.

"Jeez, he's so touchy!" Casey complained.

"And you're so insensitive," April replied, and Casey found that he had nothing to say to that.

* * *

Back in the lair, tensions were also high, but for another reason. Leo had been nonstop ranting about Raph and how he had reacted back on the fire escape.

"He's always so emotional! Why can't he just think rationally for once instead of acting like a five year old?!" He was saying, and by then Donnie had endured enough.

"Maybe, you should try and see things from his point of view." He interrupted the rant, struggling to keep his voice calm.

"There's nothing to see! He just wants to make a big scene and act like a baby when he doesn't get his way." Leo fumed.

"Leo, you're an idiot." That stopped the leader in blue in his tracks.

"Excuse me?!" He sputtered.

"He said, you're an idiot." Mikey chimed in, wholeheartedly agreeing with the sentiment.

"Why?! I haven't done anything!"

"Exactly, Leonardo! You've done nothing, EXCEPT put yourself on a pedestal instead of stepping down, showing some humility, and actually trying to get Raph to trust us again!" Donnie screeched.

"We're his brothers! He should trust us be default as family!" Leo tried to make Donnie see things his way.

"Master Splinter and Shredder were once brothers as well. You know what happened to them." Leo looked as if Donnie had slapped him.

"Donnie, what are you saying?!" He demanded, hoping his suspicions were wrong.

But Donnie just shrugged. He was tired of trying to explain. It was up to Leo to figure things out on his own. He headed to his lab and Mikey followed, giving Leo one last hard look. Leo wanted to call out, to demand Donnie explain himself, but he felt as if he was frozen. 

It was then that he began to finally realize the gravity of the situation.


	9. Everything is Gray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is gray, his hair, his smoke, his dreams, and now he's so devoid of color he don't know what it means. And he's blue...and he's blue....

"I wonder what it would be like if I didn't exist..."

That was Raph's first thought when he opened his eyes the next morning. It wasn't a new thought; he had moments or days or sometimes even weeks when he was down and when he thought this way. He just covered it with anger since it was easier to deal with anger than this overwhelmingly crushing sense of sadness and loneliness, even when he was surrounded by his friends and family.

Not that his family was a big help, nowadays. More often than not, they sent him into a depression instead of getting him out of one.

He forced himself out of bed, noting it was nearly midday by the clock. April and Casey should be at school, leaving him with the house to himself. Meaning he had no one to help him out of his depressive thought. Which was honestly just as well, since he didn't want to burden them with his problems, anyway. He glanced at his phone to see a text from Casey, asking if he wanted to hang out after school. Hang out? And do what? Although Raph had called Casey his friend on the balcony, he still didn't know anything about the kid.

'For what?' he sent back, before going downstairs to get something to eat.

By the time he got to the bottom of the steps, he got a response. 'To have fun? Come on man, loosen up. I don't bite..I mean, unless you ask ;)'

Raph rolled his eyes, trying to ignore the light blush on his face. 'You're an idiot.'

'Is that a yes?'

'...Yeah.' Raph finally replied, wondering if his depressive state would fade away by the time Casey came calling.

'Awesome.'

Raph set his phone to the side and dragged out some leftover pizza, eating it cold as he looked for something to do around the house. TV? Nah. Books? Ew. He finally found entertainment in some looseleaf paper and some mechanical pencils. He had forgotten to bring his sketchbook with him when he left the lair, so this would have to do. Though he did wonder if he would ever return for any of his old stuff he'd left behind. Raph worried that if he tried to go back for his stuff, they'd try to force him to stay.

He shook away the thoughts of his family, finding they didn't help his emotional state one bit.

He lost himself in his sketching, drawing anything that came to mind; April, Casey, Spike, and some of the enemies they'd encountered over time. He avoiding drawing his family since when he first tried he got a sense of dread so intense in his stomach he feared he would vomit. It wasn't so much his family themselves, but the feelings he had surrounding the situation and his relationship with them.

He kept drawing until his wrist was cramping up, then he quickly became bored once again. He didn't know if it was a moment of idiocy or a spike of bravery, but he found himself deciding to head back down to the lair, just to get his stuff. Since it was daytime there was no doubt that everyone would be there, and he wanted the satisfaction to walk in, take his stuff, and leave without seeming like he was seconds away from breaking down in their presence. He looked at the time; April would be home soon, probably with Casey in tow. He sent her a quick text telling her where he was going but he put his phone on silent; he didn't want her to try and talk him out of it or insist that she go with him. He needed to be able to do this on his own. He just hoped nothing went too wrong.

As he was walking down the familiar sewers, he wondered if Donnie was paying any attention to the security cameras. Did he see Raph approaching? Would he come out to meet him? Would he bring the others? So many questions, yet no answers. As he drew closer and closer, he could hear the familiar sounds of what was once his home; the tv blaring, Mikey and Leo fighting over the remote, and the tapping of Donnie's fingers on his laptop. He had already become accustomed to the silence, so these noises almost overwhelmed him. But he was determined not to turn back now. If he walked away, he would never be able to live it down, that he was such a coward he couldn't even face the people he grew up with.

He walked in, ignoring the silence that followed. He didn't look at his brothers but he could feel their gazes burning into him, searing him and judging him. He clenched his teeth and headed to his old room. He had brought a single box since it was all he'd be able to carry alone and he began packing it with the things he needed. First things first, he needed Spike. He could find his bowl and his food, but not the turtle himself.

"Where is that little guy?" He muttered.

"Who?" He refused to jump when he heard Leo's voice behind him, and he refused to answer as well. As far as he was concerned, there was nothing for them to say to each other. He also wasn't sure if he could keep his cool if he opened his mouth. He pushed past Leo, looking around the lair for his little green friend. "Are...are you looking for Spike? He's in my room; I was taking good care of him while you were gone, I swear!" Mikey said quickly, bouncing in his place from nervous energy. Raph nodded since he didn't want to hurt Mikey by ignoring him. He couldn't help it, he loved his baby brother. Mikey ran to go get the turtle, and Donnie approached, holding his staff in a tight grip. "How...How are you holding up?" He murmured, glancing from him to Leo, who was still standing behind him, just watching.

Raph shrugged slightly. He didn't want to tell Donnie about hs current depressive state, lest he try to insist that Raph stays to get more into depth with what was going on. He didn't feel like dealing with any of that today.

"Do you...want to talk in the lab before you head back?" Donnie questioned, hope in his eyes.

Raph hated to squash that hope, but he didn't know if he could handle it. The last thing he wanted to do was break down, especially not here. He gave a small shake of his head, turning away as Donnie deflated. Mikey hurried out with Spike carefully cradled in his arms, presenting him to Raph with a flourish. "Tada!"

Raph couldn't help but crack a grin, patting Mikey's head fondly and accepting the turtle. "Thanks for looking out for him, Mikey." He finally said.

Mikey beamed. "Anything for you, Raph."

"Ahem." They all tensed up when Master Splinter entered the room. He was staring directly at Raph, making the red banded one uncomfortable. He settled for looking at the ground and petting Spike. He stayed tensed and rigid as Sensei's staff lightly clicked on the ground with each step until stopping right in front of him.

He shut his eyes, waiting for the anger and the scolding. This was it. This is what would break him this time. He could never handle it when Sensei got mad at him, though he hid his shame and sadness in favor of rage and fury.

"I missed you, my son."


	10. Panic

Raph wanted to run. His father was just standing there, staring at him with calm eyes. He didn't carry that same air that his brothers did, balancing out their nervous energy with something that Raph couldn't read. That fact alone put him on edge. He shouldn't have come, he shouldn't have come...

His thoughts screeched to a halt when his father pulled him into his arms, careful of his turtle in his hands. That's when things went downhill. Raph stiffened considerably, shoving away from the rat with a strangled yelp. Even when he was out of his arms, he still felt like he was suffocating, like the weight of his father's pride and expectations that he couldn't live up to was crushing him.

He needed air, damnit!

He could hear his brothers talking, but he couldn't understand a single word. His whole world tilted and he closed his eyes, trying to stop the suddenly sick feeling in his gut. This wasn't how it was supposed to be..! He should be able to handle walking in here without having a fucking panic attack from a hug!

There was a sudden commotion around him, which didn't help the situation in the least. If anything it made it worse, constricting his lungs until he thought that this just might be the end of him. He felt hands cup his face, and he knew instantly that they were way too small to belong to his brothers, and they didn't have the same texture of his father's. That meant that it was either Casey or April touching him, though he didn't know who.

Suddenly his lungs gave way and he sucked in a huge gulp of air, his blurry vision beginning to clear slightly. He was embarrassed to realize that his mask was wet with tears, meaning that he'd been crying in front of his brothers and father. Gross. That was the last thing he had wanted to do when he came here. He had wanted to show that he was doing just fine without them, not completely break down and require his friends to come rescue him like he was some damsel in distress.

"Raphael!" He snapped to attention, a bit freaked out that he could suddenly hear what was happening around him. But on the bright side, that meant that his panic attack was passing. He needed a bright side right now or he swore he might just combust. He heard his name again, and though it took a second or two, his vision finally focused in on Casey. Oh, so he was holding Raph's face. He didn't have time to dwell on it, because he was worried that a fight was going to break out between Leo and April any moment from the way they were glaring at each other.

"Move aside, April! I want to make sure Raphael is okay!" Leo growled, narrowing his eyes. Even though Raphael wasn't being talked to, the thought of Leo so angry made his own blood boil. Who did he think he was? April and Casey had helped a whole bunch throughout this whole mess, and all Leo had done was make it worse. Criticizing him, making him feel small and unworthy to stand in the same room as him.

"Leo, all you've done is made things worse!" Donnie echoed Raph's thoughts thankfully.

Leo rounded on Donnie, ready to fire back, but he recoiled when Master Splinter slammed his staff on the ground with a loud bang. Everything got silent as they stared at the older rat, watching as he took a deep breath to collect himself.

"This is NOT how a family is supposed to act!" He said sternly. "We should be trying to understand Raphael in his plight, not judging him and making him feel like less than a person." As he said this, he leveled his stare at Leonardo, who bowed his head in shame and embarrassment. Then the rat turned to Casey, who looked ready to faint. A giant rat, of course! Why not?! However, despite his fear, he didn't leave Raphael's side, even still holding onto his face to keep him grounded. Raph thought about brushing his hands away, but he couldn't deny that the grounding thing was helping. He just made sure to keep his gaze on the ground.

Master Splinter kneeled in front of them, putting a hand on Raphael's shoulder. Raph still couldn't look up, but he could tell from the touch and his body language that Master Splinter wasn't mad, and was actually on his side. For once.

"My son, I cannot express how sorry I am that I have made you feel that you're not important. I love you just as much as your brothers, and if you decide to come home eventually, I will make sure you know that every day like I should have been in the first place."

By now, Raph felt the tears well up in his eyes once again, even though he tried desperately tried not to let them show. Casey noticed, however, and pulled him closer, allowing Raphael to bury his face in his shoulder so he didn't have the added embarrassment of crying in front of everyone for the second time in 15 minutes. But then came the fact that Raph was pretty much in Casey's lap, his face on his shoulder, and oh hell why???

April cleared her throat. "R-Raph...do you want to head out?" Raph sniffled a bit, nodding his head. He got to his feet, gathering up the stuff that he'd come to get in the first place. He was still a bit shaky, however, and he ended up dropping his sketchbook. Before it hit the ground, it was caught by a forest green hand. Raph met Leo's eyes, and they just stared at each other for a second. Raph was tense, waiting for the confrontation, the argument, the derogatory comment, but none of that came. Instead, Leo handed him back the sketchbook, looked him in the eyes, and said:

"I'm sorry. I still don't completely understand, but I know that this is mostly my fault. I'm sorry."

Raph blinked at him, the words circulating in his head. He gave a slow nod and replied, "Okay." He felt a bit better now that he'd received an apology, but there was still too much tension and sore wounds inside of him to be fully forgiving just yet.

"Come on, Raph. Let's...Let's go home." April murmured. Casey put an arm around Raph's shoulders and April stood by his side, and together they all left the sewers. Raph couldn't help but look back for a quick moment. His brothers were all just standing there, Master Splinter as well, watching them go with matching looks of sorrow and regret. He swallowed, biting his lip.

"Hey, you okay?" Casey's worried tone snapped Raph out of his thoughts, and he craned his neck slightly to look up at him. "That was pretty intense back there."

Raph nodded. "Y-Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for...for being there, guys."

"Of course, Raph," April replied, "We're your friends; that's what friends do."


	11. Open Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse. Trigger warning for self harm ahead.

Raph thought that he'd be okay by now.

They were back at April's, without his family, and since all of that arguing had happened, Casey had decided it would be better to hang out at April's instead of going out to bust some heads like he had originally planned.

Raph agreed, and now all three teens were in the living room waiting for the Chinese takeout to arrive and bantering over a movie to watch. It was the tiniest fucking thing that set him off. He'd gone to the bathroom, taking his phone with him so he wouldn't be bored. While he was in there, he took the time to wash his face of the tear stains, as well as wring out his still damp mask. Then his phone lit up. He felt an overcoming sense of dread, every nerve ending screaming at him not to look at it. But he knew if he didn't check it, he'd dwell on it all night and he didn't want to be a wet blanket. 

"It's most likely nothing; probably Mikey or Donnie checking up on me, or Casey bugging me about why I'm taking so long." Unfortunately it was neither one of those things. If it was, this could have been avoided.

It was from Leo. Just seeing the contact name alone made Raph want to throw his phone out of the window. But he didn't, instead taking a deep breath, steeling himself, and opening the message. It was only three lines. Three tiny lines that sent Raph over the edge.

'I don't know what game you're playing. This pathetic, woe-is-me act is getting you nowhere. You're being so selfish, trying to gain sympathy for no reason.'

Raph stared at the text message, the tears that he'd just washed off of his skin beginning to roll down his cheeks again. Leonardo always had a way to make him feel like shit. He sniffled, dropping the phone and sinking to the floor, pulling his knees to his chest. Maybe he deserved this, Raph thought. Leo was the golden child; obviously there was something wrong with Raph himself to make Leo become such an asshole.

Raph sniffled, holding onto his knees tighter. He wanted to die right now...just sink into the floor and disappear, why couldn't he do anything right? Why did he have to make his brother hate him so much?? He deserved to be punished.

Punishment...the thought of that sparked something in Raph. Maybe that was a way he could atone; for being a shitty brother, for always being angry, for putting stress on the family, and for even been born and mutated in the first place. They would be so much better without him. His thoughts drifted to the small hidden blade he kept in his arm wrappings, just like the rest of his brothers. It was there as a last resort, in case your other weapons were not accessible at this point. Raph wasn't thinking about defending himself this time. He was thinking about penance, atonement for his existence.

He deserved this.

\----

"Raph's been in the bathroom for a while, hasn't he?" April asked, 15 minutes later. Casey checked his phone, furrowing his brows.

"Yeah, he has...nearly half an hour. Should we check on him?" They looked at each other, and without another word between them they both darted up from the couch and floor respectively, racing upstairs to the bathroom.

Casey furiously shook the doorknob, his frustration and worry growing when it didn't budge, even more when Raph didn't make a noise on the other side of the door. He pressed his ear to the door, trying to make out something, anything. He could hear tiny sniffles and muffled sobs, so at least he was still conscious, but the fact that he was completely ignoring them and sobbing in the bathroom didn't make him feel any better.

"Raph? You've been in there for a while. Are you okay?" April called, trying to sound like she wasn't shaking with worry. She failed miserably. The red turtle didn't answer. If anything, he got even quieter since he knew they were listening in. The last thing he wanted to do was worry them even more about him.

"Can you pick the lock?" April whispered to Casey, who looked offended.

"Why do you think I can pick the lock?? I don't get in that much trouble, Red." He huffed.

April didn't miss a beat. "So, can you pick it?" Casey stared at her, before sighing and nodding. He grumbled under his breath as he easily opened the lock, before quickly bursting through the door.

"Oh...my God." He murmured breathlessly, his heart dropping in his shoes before ricocheting back up into his throat. Thank fucking god he could actually pick the lock.

There was...so much blood. Everywhere. The turtle who was expelling it was still sitting up against the sink, his knees to his chest and his bloodied arms wrapped around them, sobbing into his arms. He didn't even look up when they came in, though he did hold his knees closer. Casey couldn't imagine how bad Raphael must have felt to do something like this. What caused him to do this?! He had seemed to be doing so well since they got home... Casey was broken from his thoughts when April shoved past him, gasping in horror at the scene.

"Raphael!!" She screamed, crouching in front of the barely conscious turtle. "What did you do?!"

Raph could barely meet her eyes as he whispered, "Penance..."

April felt the tears pouring down her cheeks as she hugged him close, sniffling and trembling. Casey, coming to his senses, realized that while there wasn't as much blood as he had thought upon the first impression, it still was a good amount, enough to need medical care.

"April, he needs stitches or bandages or something." He said gently, touching her shoulder.

It took April a second, but she let Raph go and nodded, wiping her face. "I'm going to call Donnie. He's the doctor of the family, and I trust him." She murmured. Her phone was downstairs, so she picked up Raph's phone to call. However, she noticed that the text messages were open, and she saw Leo's name. She read over the earliest text, sent just a little bit ago, and it took everything in her not to smash the phone.

"...Casey, I think I know why Raph did this." She handed him the phone, watching as his expression darkened and filled with rage as he read and processed the text.

"What the hell is wrong with him?! Why would he think this is a good thing to say to someone, especially someone who's already going through stuff like Raph?! He needs to be put in his place!!" Casey was already planning his attack on Leo, thinking of what he'd need to bring, but April cut him off.

"Later. Right now, Raph needs our help." Casey deflated at that. He knew it was true, Raph needed them, but that didn't stop him from wanting to break Leo's snout. Instead of plotting Leo's murder, he used the phone to call Donnie. It took about three rings, but Donnie did answer.

"Hello? Raph?" He sounded so hopeful, so relieved to be hearing from who he thought was his brother. Casey took a deep, shaky breath, needing to steel himself before he did this.

"Hey, this is Casey Jones, a friend of Raph's." There was silence on the line as Donnie tried to recall.

"Oh, the guy who came to the lair with April? Why do you have Raph's phone? Is he okay??" Donnie sounded more and more distressed as he talked, and Casey wished he could tell Donnie that Raph was all fine and dandy.

"No, actually...he's not. He needs medical help right away, and April told me that you're the doctor in the family? Raph is unable to call because he's kinda, nearly unconscious."

"Unconscious?! What happened?" Casey bit his lip. He really didn't want to say, but Donnie needed to know what he'd be dealing with.

"I'm not exactly sure...We were waiting for our Chinese food to come, and he went to the bathroom. We didn't think much of it until we realized that he'd been in there for nearly half an hour. We had to pick the lock to get in there, and...long story short, Raph hurt himself bad. On purpose. The only thing we have to go by is the fact that he got a really fucked up text from Leo while he was in here."

Silence. Pure, dead silence on the other line. Casey thought that maybe he'd hung up.

'What did it say?" Donnie finally growled, his voice taking on a pissed off and murderous tone that sent shivers down Casey's spine.

"You can see it when you get here. But Raph really needs some medical attention."

"I'm on my way." Donnie replied, before hanging up. Casey sighed and pocketed the phone, before helping April staunch the bleeding. He really hoped that Leo got his ass kicked hard enough to remove the stick from it, but for now it was time for Raph to be taken care of.


	12. It's Not Over Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raph meets familiar face, and Donnie is done with Leo's shit.

Raph knew he was dreaming the instant he opened his eyes.

He was in a forest, sitting with his legs tucked underneath him beneath a cherry blossom tree The petals flew gently down around him, brushing his skin and giving him a sense of piece. He looked at his wrists, expecting to see the damage he'd inflicted, but nothing was there, including his wrappings. Touching his face and waist, he realized he wasn't wearing anything, though he still felt safe and calm.

Someone sat next to him, snapping him out of his reverie. Jolting a little and looking to the side, Raph saw that a Japanese man was sitting next to him, her face extremely familiar. She smiled at him, her long black hair blowing in the gentle breeze, and it clicked with a quickness.

This was Tang Shen. Master Splinter's deceased wife. Wait...if she was here, did that mean that he was _dead_?!

"No, you're not dead yet, my son." Her soothing voice reached him, calming his spirit. Was this what it was like to have a mother figure? He hoped so...this was nice. But if he wasn't dead, why was he here?

"You are in the realm that lies between life and death. I am here to give you a choice between the two." She stood gracefully, offering Raph a hand, which he accepted with wonder in his eyes.

She led him down the dirt path, her arm coming to wrap around his shoulders and pull him close to her side in a protective embrace. Raph closed his eyes, feeling safe and loved, something he hadn't felt from family in what seemed like such a long time.

"Um...Mom? When you said you were giving me a choice..." He trailed off, not sure how to phrase his question. Thankfully, she seemed to understand.

"Correct, my son. You can either choose to return to your body and to the world of the living, or you can stay here with me and the others who have passed."

Raph bit his lip, thinking. "...If I go with you, I'll never see my loved ones again...But if I go with you now, I won't be rejected by my family." This was a hard choice for him. For one, he didn't want to deal with the pain and burdens that had been laid upon him on Earth. On the other hand, he still loved his family and didn't want to leave them behind.

"Mom, can you tell me...Will it get better, if I go back?" He murmured. Tang Shen cupped his cheek in her hand and tilted his head up, her soft thumb stroking his skin.

"My son...that is up to you. You are the one in charge of your own fate."

Wow. Talk about a lot of pressure. They didn't say anything more, continuing their walk in thoughtful silence as Raph took the time to way his options. He didn't know how much time had passed before he finally came to a decision. Whether it felt like it or not, he was needed. If not by his family, than by his friends and the people of New York that he protected with his life.

"I have to go back home. Even though it doesn't seem like it now, I'm still needed."

Tang Shen smiled, kissing his forehead. "I knew you would make the right choice, my cherry blossom boy."

That was the last thing Raph saw before everything went black once more.

* * *

 "Ugh..." Raphael moaned as he slowly blinked his eyes open, recoiling from the bright light that seemed determined to penetrate his retinas.

"You're awake!!" Someone cheered, making his temples throb from the sheer volume alone.

"Jeez, do you have to be so loud?" He croaked, his throat obscenely dry.

"Sorry...Just glad to see you're alright." He finally recognized the voice as Donatello, turning his head slowly to the left. Donnie had tears in his swollen, red-rimmed eyes, an unbelieving gaze leveled directly at Raph's face.

"I didn't know if you were going to make it..." He sniffled, wiping his face.

Raph felt guilt slam into him, biting his lip as he watched his brother try to pull himself together.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...to get carried away..."

"You shouldn't have done it in the first place!!" Donnie suddenly screeched, slamming his fist on the bedside table.

Raph winced sharply, looking away from him, and Donnie took a deep breath to try and ease his frayed nerves.

"I'm sorry, that's not fair. You were in pain, and you did what you thought was best to get rid of it." Donnie said in a much gentler tone, placing his hand on Raph's shoulder. "But you're here now, and you're gonna be okay. Okay?"

Raphael nodded in agreement, though he wasn't sure if he truly agreed or not. Only time would tell, he supposed.

"Where am I?" He asked, looking around. His surroundings weren't really familiar to him.

"April's bed. She ordered me to put you here so you'd be comfortable when you woke up." Raph felt guilty once again. What if he had stained her sheets?? Not only was it completely rude and selfish, but she'd have that constant reminder of what he'd done, even if she decided to throw them away. Damn it, he couldn't do anything right, could he?

Before he could get deep into his self deprecation, a soft voice entered his head, like the remnants of a memory.

_'Stay strong, my cherry blossom boy.'_

The voice calmed him, and he found his spirits lifted up. He took a few deep breaths for a final composure, before looking up at his big brother.

"Thank you, for coming and patching me up. But..how did you know about what had happened?"

Donnie sighed, looking up and to the side as he recalled the situation in question. "Casey called me from your phone. He told me that Leonardo had sent you a text message, and that you had hurt yourself, and that you needed medical treatment asap. I asked what the message was, but he told me I could see it when I got here. However, I was too busy making sure you were okay to see or even care about the message." He recounted, unaware of the dread Raph was struck with.

"W-Wait, does Leo know about...?" He trailed off, not sure how to phrase what he'd done. Luckily, Donnie picked up on it.

"No, he doesn't. However, Mikey does and that's only because he begged me to tell him before I left. All he knows is that you're injured, not the extent or what happened. None of us will tell Leo anythng unless we have your permission." He said calmly, seeing the near panic in his little brother's eyes.

"N-No. He doesn't need to know. He'll probably just make things worse." Raph murmured, feeling a sharp stab of guilt for cutting Leo out of the loop like that, even though he tried to tell himself he had nothing to be guilty for.

Donnie nodded. "Agreed. I'm so sorry, Raphael." He said with regret, taking Raph aback.

"Sorry? What for?" He asked, tilting his head.

"For not being a good big brother to you." The tears began flowing again, and Raph quickly sat up and pulled him into an embrace. He could tell that Donnie really needed it.

"You don't have to apologize. If anyone should, it should be Leo." Raph whispered, rubbing Donnie's carapace soothingly.

"You're right, but...I still don't know what he said." Donnie sniffled, his arms tightening around his brother. It had just begin to sink in that he could have _lost him, **forever.**_ That was something he never wanted to think about, and he promised Raph silently that he would be a good brother from now on, and make sure Raph had no reason to try and leave them again.

"Um...if you really want to know, you can see my phone." He offered, and Donnie nodded.

"Casey still has it. I'll go get it and let them know that you're awake. Is it okay for them to come in and see you?" Donnie asked, and Raph nodded.

He was ready to face the music.

* * *

 Donnie walked down the stairs, feeling lighter but still not completely alright. He honestly didn't know if he'd ever be completely one hundred after what he saw when he came through the window and saw his brother in the bathroom.

All that blood...

He shuddered, shaking his head to try and rid the image from his mind. It was over, Raph was okay. However, Donnie wasn't naive. Just because disaster was averted this time doesn't mean Raph was completely out of the woods. The thing he needed most right now was space and trust.

When he got downstairs, he was pinned by two pairs of red-rimmed eyes.

"How is he?!" April demanded desperately, wringing her hands.

With a small sigh, Donnie said, "He's okay. He's awake and completely responsive. I still have to do a full check, but from what I can see, he should be fine physically."

"Whad'ya mean, 'physically'?" Casey asked, tilting his head. "He's alive, isn't that enough?"

Donnie shook his head. "It's only the beginning. For Raph to do something like this, it means he had to get to an extremely dark place, and there's nothing to say that he won't slip back."

"S-So...what do we do?" Casey asked, looking lost.

"We have to be there for him, Casey. Show him that he's needed here, with us." April said, and Donnie nodded in agreement.

"Raph sent me down here because he wanted me to see the text Leonardo sent him. His phone?" April handed it over, and Donnie opened it up and looked through. What he saw made him nearly smash the phone against the wall.

"How...fucking...dare he..." He hissed, his pupils going white. "If Leonardo thinks he can get away with this, he is dead wrong."

Are you going to kick his ass? Because if you are, I want in." Casey said strongly, but Donnie shook his head.

"No. Raph asked me to tell everyone that he doesn't want Leonardo to know. I have to head back to the lair, but he wants you guys to go up and see him." He said. Casey looked extremely frustrated that he wouldn't get a chance to kick the blue brother's head in. However, he would respect Raph's wishes.

"What do you need to go back for? You could spend the night here if you wanted." April suggested softly.

Donnie gave her a small smile. "Thanks, April. I'll take you up on that, but I need to go check in with Master Splinter." He said, heading out the window.

He hoped Raph wouldn't be too mad, but Leonardo needed to face the consequences. And who else to give out the consequence but the one he looked up to the most? After all, Raph only said Leonardo couldn't know.

He never said anything about Master Splinter.


	13. Explosive

When Donnie got back to the lair, his anger was as hot as ever. He felt sickened, and his stomach lurched every time he thought about what Leo had done. Who did he think he was? He envisioned beating Leo until he finally got it through his thick skull that he was not being a good brother, he was being an asshole.

Donnie was making a beeline for Master Splinter's room, but he was stopped by the kitchen when Leo called his name.

"Hey Donnie, where've you been?" He asked calmly, a simple smile on his face. He was sharpening his katanas at the kitchen table, acting like everything was hunky dory. Donnie snarled, trying to keep his temper.

Donnie took a deep breath, wanting to adhere to Raph's wishes and keep this under wraps. He closed his eyes, thinking that might help. Oh, was he wrong. All he could see was Raph's lifeless body, blood on the floor and counter, and April crying and Raph's pale skin and the way he wouldn't respond to Donnie and...

The text. That damned, bullshit text that was responsible for all this. Sent by the brother who had the audacity to sit there and smile like he was as innocent as a baby.

He failed in keeping his temper, to say the least.

With a roar of rage, he was across the room in an instant, his staff raised like the wrath of God to come down and smite his brother. Leo just managed to move out of the way, eyes wide with shock and confusion. Donnie followed, trying to bring his staff down on Leo like a fatality in Mortal Kombat.

"Donnie, get a hold of yourself! What is wrong with you?" Leo cried among the commotion.

"Me?? What's wrong with _ME?!"_ Donnie screeched in indignation. "What's wrong with you?! What kind of brother sends a text like that?!" Donnie felt a pang of regret that he had betrayed Raph's wishes, but it was smothered by his rage. Leo's face drained of color, but before he could reply, another figure entered the kitchen.

"And what is this I hear about a text, Leonardo?" Master Splinter asked coldly, raising an eyebrow. "I came to see what all the commotion was, but something tells me that there is a just reason for it."

Leo seemed to have lost his voice, his mouth gaping like a fish out of water as his brain scrambled for a way out of this. Although Donnie felt satisfaction at seeing Leo shut up for once, he wasn't going to give him time to come up with some bullshit excuse.

"Leonardo sent Raph a really fucked up text, accusing him of making all of this up just to get attention."

"Y-Yeah, so what?" Leo shot back defensively. "I bet he just cried a little and threw a temper tantrum."

And with that, Donnie swung his staff with all of his might, cracking it against Leo's chest and sending him flying.

"HE TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF, YOU BASTARD!!!" He shrieked, the shrill sound echoing off of the walls. Silence settled for a quick second, and then...

Donnie jumped as a crash sounded behind them. Mikey was standing at the entrance of the kitchen, a shattered plate on the ground and pizza lying in front of it. He had known that Raph had been injured because he'd begged Donnie to tell him, but he didn't know the extent and the details of what had happened, until now. Leo wheezed in pain, trying to blink the vision spots away.

Master Splinter grabbed Donnie by the shoulders, looking down at him with tearful, scared eyes. "Is he okay, Donatello?"

Donnie nodded, noting how the rat let out a shuddering sigh of relief. "Casey called me and I came over as fast as I could. It...It was a close call, but he was awake and coherent when I left." He hung his head, his anger turning to guilt. "I promised him that I wouldn't tell Leonardo...He was so worried that he would come and cause more strife...I failed him."

Master Splinter shook his head. "Raphael has nothing to worry about. Leonardo will not be going anywhere for quite a while." His gaze hardened as he turned to the eldest son, who was still crumpled on the ground.

"I am very ashamed of you, Leonardo. Not only have you failed as a leader, more importantly, you have failed as a brother. You are to stay here in the lair, no TV, no T-Phone, and you will stay in your room except for meals and to use the restroom. Maybe the quiet time will give you a chance to remember your compassion. Also, as of this point forward, you are no longer the leader. Not until Raphael deems you trustworthy enough to lead."

Leo had tears in his eyes by now, but Donnie didn't know if it was because of the truth about Raph or because of what Master Splinter said. Whatever, Donnie had bigger fish to fry. Mainly, Michelangelo. He hadn't moved from his spot in the kitchen doorway, his eyes wide and unseeing.

"Mikey? Are you okay, little brother?" Donnie whispered, gently touching his little brother's shoulder. Mikey didn't respond at first, but after a few seconds, Donnie could see that rage was slowly beginning to envelop Mikey's face, as his gaze focused on Leo.

"How could you," He whispered, horror and disgust etched in his features. "Raph is our brother...how can you be so cruel to him when he's at his most vulnerable? It's...you...you sicken me." Before Donnie or Leo could respond, Mikey ran off and shut himself in his room. Donnie turned to Leo, narrowing his eyes unsympathetically.

"You should be ashamed of yourself. And not because Splinter demoted you; but because you seem to have forgotten how to be a good brother." That was all he could bring himself to say, leaving Leo on the floor in favor of heading to his lab to pack up some stuff to take to April's.

He checked his phone when he got into the lab to see that he had three texts, two from April and one from Raph. He opened the one from Raph first, his heart beginning to sink as he hoped nothing was wrong.

'Is everything okay?' was all the message read. Donnie sighed in relief, then felt guilty that he had automatically assumed something bad had happened. Not that he could be entirely blamed for what just happened. He had wanted to be in and out, not have a full-fledged argument and spill Raph's secret all in one fell swoop. At least Leo will be cut off from contact with Raph...The last thing he needed was an angry rant from Leo.

'Yeah, just got a little caught up.' Donnie replied, heading for the exit before he stopped in front of Mikey's door. He should check on his little brother, considering his reaction to everything. He walked over and knocked on the door, leaning in close to hear any response that may be offered.

"Not now...just leave me alone..." A small voice came, and Donnie felt his heart ache at the pain in Mikey's voice.

"Mikey? It's me, um...I'm heading to April's...Is there anything you need? Anything you want me to pass on to Raph?" He asked tentatively.

There was some small shuffling, and for a good few seconds, Donnie didn't think he would answer. However, the door finally opened. Mikey, tear-stained face and all, sniffled and looked up at Donnie, whispering, "Can I come, too?"

Donnie bit his lip, wrapping an arm around Mikey. "I-I don't know, bro...Raph didn't want me telling what happened...he's gonna be pissed that I broke his trust.."

"Blame it on me, then." Mikey said with a determined glint in his eye. "I don't care if he's mad, as long as I can see him alive with my own eyes." He looked ready to snap as he whispered brokenly, "Please...I want to see my big brother..."

Donnie couldn't resist Mikey when he was like this. Besides, he mused, it was a lot better than leaving him here with Leo, who he was obviously pissed at. Not that Leo didn't deserve their anger. Donnie, throughout this whole event, couldn't understand what would make Leo go so far as to refuse to acknowledge his brother's pain. He knew they argued a lot, but he also knew that they would do anything for each other. Or, at least, he thought he knew, Raphael still loved Leo to death, as far as he could tell, seeing how he was so distraught at losing his big brother's approval. But Leo..? It seemed like Leo had forgotten completely what being brothers was supposed to mean. Donnie didn't know how or why, but he wasn't going to stand by and let Leo pull Raph apart, piece by piece until there was nothing left.

At the end of the day, the only thing the four brothers had was each other. And Donnie wasn't going to let anyone ruin it, not even one of them. Not even their leader.

Donnie met Mikey's eyes, shaking off his clouded mind. With a small smile, he whispered, "Come on, Mikey. Pack your things."


	14. Safe Haven

When the two brothers returned, Raph was predictably concerned. He was alright if Mikey knew, but if Leo knew... Donnie was tempted to lie, say that Leo had no idea, but before he could even try to pursue that thought, Mikey had lunged at Raph with a loud sob, clinging to him and trembling.

"Whoa! Mikey's what's wrong?" Raph asked, his strong arms instinctively wrapping around his baby brother. "I-I'm right here, I'm fine!"

"But you almost weren't!" Mikey sobbed. "When Donnie told us what had happened, I was terrified!"

Us? So that meant...Raph looked up at Donnie, biting his lip as Donnie nodded to confirm his thoughts. He wasn't mad at Donnie, but he did want to know what happened to get to that moment, as well as the reaction of his big brother. Part of him hoped that maybe this incident would finally wake him up and snap him out of whatever was making him be a giant asshole.

"W-We all ran out because Donnie was attacking Leo, and Donnie mentioned a text or something and what you had done and Leo just fucking sat there, his mouth gaping and--" Mikey cut off to sob loudly, and Raph rubbed his carapace, shushing him. Donnie picked up where Mikey left off.

"Master Splinter really tore into Leonardo. He is no longer leader, and Splinter said that Leonardo cannot be leader again until you say that he is ready. He also said that he hopes that Leo remembers how to be a good big brother because obviously, he's forgotten somewhere along the way."

Raph's head was spinning with all of this new information. He had to choose when Leo was fit to be leader again? Jeez, talk about a lot of responsibility. He didn't want to think about it right now, however. He was exhausted, just like everyone else in the room, and he felt guilty for putting everyone through all of this. He didn't want to hurt anyone; he had seriously thought that they would be better off without him.

They moved to the couch, where Mikey refused to let go of Raph. Donnie sat on his other side, and Casey sat on the floor, his back leaning against Raph's legs. Even April seemed to want some contact with Raph, as she sat next to Casey, her arm brushing his knee pad. It was really nice, to feel wanted like this.

It fucking sucked that it took all this to be reassured of his friends and family's love for him, and even then, his entire family wasn't here. Leo's absence felt like a big hole in Raph's chest. He knew he should be pissed and hateful towards Leo, rightfully so, but he couldn't bring himself to. Leo was his older brother, and Raph, more than anything, wanted to feel like Leo loved him just as much as the rest of his family.

The group sat there in complete silence, until one by one, they dropped off. Mikey was first, and Raph set him fully on the couch and covered him with a blanket. Donnie conked out next, and he was set in the recliner, a blanket on him as well. April went to her room before she passed out in the same manner, and it left just Casey and Raphael. They moved to the kitchen so they could talk without waking anyone up. Casey leaned against the counter while Raph sat on the island in the middle of the kitchen.

"You really scared us, Raph." Casey muttered, keeping his gaze fixed on the floor.

Raph hung his head, suddenly feeling super self-conscious of the thick layers of bandages on his arms.

"I-I'm so sorry..." He jolted as Casey was suddenly very much in his personal space.

"No! Don't apologize!" He lowered his voice when Raph shushed him, but that didn't take away any of the fierceness of his words.

"Don't apologize. If anything, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you felt so alone at that moment that you thought that was the way out."

Raph swallowed, biting his lip. He wasn't one for talking about his emotions, but Casey made it seem...less weird, in a way. Like it was something normal and that he didn't have to worry about being judged or laughed at.

"I-I'll be okay, I think..." Raph muttered, before suddenly letting out an 'oof' as he was enveloped in a warm hug.

"No, you will be, Raphael. I promise." Casey whispered. Raph felt his eyes sting and rolled them; hadn't he done enough crying already? He hugged Casey back, burying his face in his shoulder to staunch the tears. He was too tired to cry, he felt. Besides, this was...this was nice, what they were doing. He didn't want to ruin it by getting all emotional all of a sudden.

"Ready to get some sleep?" Casey asked, pulling away before he noticed how Raph tensed. "Hey, what's wrong? Not tired?" Casey knew that wasn't the case; the turtle looked ready to drop at any time. Casey thought he'd be excited to lay down in a warm bed, in...in the dark...alone... _Oh._

"You don't wanna be alone, do you?" He asked softly, knowing that he was right when he saw how the turtle shrunk into himself.

"Hey, hey, it's okay! I wouldn't want to be alone, either." Casey was quick to reassure him.

"Look, I'll just lay down with you or something in the guest room and we can just talk or whatever until you're comfortable enough to fall asleep. How about that?" He waited as Raph thought it over, then the turtle nodded with a small smirk on his face.

Okay, Casey was determined not to let this get awkward. Sure, he hadn't even known Raph for a week and he had already done more things that could be considered intimate with Raphael than anything he had done with his friends at school that he'd known for years, some for all of his life. Sure, Raph was the most interesting person Casey had ever known, and not just because he was a mutant. He had to deal with a lot more than Casey ever did, but he still got up every morning to protect New York with never even a thank you. Casey just wanted Raphael to know that there were people who appreciated him and wanted him around, and Casey could tell that he was very quickly becoming one of those people.

"Cool, let's go then." He said, clearing his throat to break the awkward silence further. Together, they headed upstairs and into the guest room, shutting the door behind them. Raph wasn't used to being this quiet, but he honestly didn't have much to say right now. He laid down, closest to the wall, and Casey laid down next to him, boxing him in. Raphael turned so he was laying on his back, looking at the ceiling in thought.

"What's going on in that thick head of yours?" Raph snorted, giving Casey a playful shove.

"Shut up, Jones. I'm just...thinking about my brother." He replied, biting his lip.

"Which one? Not Leonardo, right?" At Raph's lack of reply, Casey sighed. "Raph, why are you thinking about him? Doesn't it make you feel worse?"

Raph gave a slow nod. "Kinda, but...I guess I'm just trying to figure out what I did wrong...thinking back, to see if there was anything I could have done so that Leo wouldn't---" He was cut off with a yelp as Casey pounced, straddling him with his hands on either side of Raph's head. He leaned down, smacking their foreheads together with a clunk.

"H-Hey, dude, what are you doing?!" Raph exclaimed, but Casey's piercing gaze pinned him where he was.

"Listen to me, dude. Look at me." He waited until Raph's electric green eyes met his own. "You didn't do anything wrong. If you and your brother had arguments or whatever, none of it gives Leo the right to treat you like this, to the point where you would want to do something like this..." His hand trailed down, gently brushing across one of Raph's bandaged wrists. Raph tensed, and Casey allowed him to pull his arm away. "S-Sorry, I'm just saying, that there is nothing you ever could have done to deserve that treatment, Raphael. Not a single fucking thing."

Raph just stared at him in reply, not sure what to say. No one had ever said anything like this to him, and he was at a loss. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do? He had no idea, so he just laid there, staring up at Casey as the teen stared right back at him.

"S-Sorry...you're supposed to be resting so you can get to sleep," Casey muttered, but he didn't move an inch. Raph didn't ask him to. They just laid there in silence, finding solidarity in each other's presence. They stayed like that well into the night, and when the sun came up, they were illuminated on the bed, Casey laying on Raph's chest with his arms around him protectively. Raph had a hand on Casey's back, soft snores escaping him.

And in the simple morning, everything was quiet, calm, and still.


	15. Not Today

Unfortunately, that peace and calm didn't last long. At first, everything was fine. Raph woke up to Casey sitting on the edge of the bed, texting someone on his phone. Raph sat up with a small stretch. Casey, noticing the noise and movement, turned his head and smiled at the sleepy turtle.

"Hey, man. Donnie told me that he wants to check your...uh, wounds, sometime this morning." Raph tensed. He hadn't seen his arms since the incident happened, and even then that was a big blur of red and tears in his memory.

"Okay, I'll make sure to go to him after breakfast." Raph said, hopping out of bed. Casey followed him downstairs, asking, "So, how did you sleep?" Raph coughed slightly as he remembered how they had fallen asleep last night. He decided not to make it weird. There was nothing to regret about it, they didn't do anything wrong, so they didn't need to act like it.

"It was nice." He said with a small smile, which turned into a smirk as Casey seemed caught off guard and rubbed the back of his neck. He chuckled, reaching for the Frosted Flakes. As his hands brushed the blue box, his had a sudden flash in his memory. Looking at the blue box turned into him facing his brother, feeling that crushing disapproval, reading that text...He began to shake, dropping the box of cereal.

"Hey! Hey, you're okay man. It's all going to be okay." Casey hugged him from behind, helping Raph ground himself. "It's okay," he kept whispering until he felt Raph begin to breathe normally.

"Good. Now, what was that about?" Wordlessly, Raph pointed to the blue cereal box. Casey looked very confused. A cereal box caused that?? It took him a second, but then he realized that it was blue. As in, the color of his brother's mask. Casey sighed, rubbing his nose bridge. He wanted to help Raph get better but Raph wouldn't if he didn't let Leo go!

"What is your problem?! Why is it so hard to realize that your brother is a piece of shit and not worth your time?!" He suddenly snapped. "Just don't let him get to you so much!"

Raph jumped, not expecting the outburst, but once he managed to process what had just been said, he immediately screamed back, "It's not that easy you jackass! Leo and my brothers are all I have ever had in my life! I can't just cut Leonardo off at the drop of a hat! You're so fucking lucky, you can go out and make friends and add to your family, newsflash, I can't do that! I can't go to school or meet new people or even walk out into the sun without risking my life! I can't even _interact with the people I save almost nightly._ My brothers are the only thing I have ever known, and if you think I can just cut one off as easy as a snap of the fingers, you've lost your goddamn mind." By now Raph was whispering, too tired to scream.

By now, April, Donnie, and Mikey had come running, but now they were just standing in the doorway, staring at them and watching them argue. Casey felt like an asshole; he should have thought about this before he even opened his mouth. It was hard to cut off anyone you've known your whole life, especially when you didn't exactly have many options.

"R-Raph, I'm sorry--" He tried to say, but Raph wasn't hearing it. Tears were in his eyes, which he stubbornly wiped away as he screamed at Casey, "I LOVE MY BROTHERS MORE THAN ANYTHING IN MY LIFE! I WILL CHOOSE THEIR HAPPINESS OVER MINE EVERY TIME, CASEY! They're the ONLY  CONSTANT THING I have in my life, so try and keep that in mind before you open your mouth and make an ass of yourself. Or else you might end up sounding more like Leo than you realize." With that, Raph turned on his heel and marched out, the three teens in the doorway quickly getting out of the way so they didn't get run over.

Casey sighed, sinking into a chair and putting his face in his hands as he tried to calm his racing heart. He couldn't believe that he had screwed things up that badly in such a short amount of time. There was the sound of footsteps approaching him, and two sets of footsteps hurrying away to follow Raph.

"Not your best move, dude." Mikey said, putting a hand on Casey's shoulder.

"You think I don't know that?" Casey muttered. "I didn't mean to make things worse, I know that you can't just cut someone from your life that you love. I don't know why I said that." He sighed.

"You're frustrated dude, we all are. I mean, it's not an excuse to be cruel, but no one is perfect. The good thing is that you acknowledged your faults and you can make up for it. Hopefully, I mean Raph can hold a grudge for a long time." Mikey sighed. "Just...give him some space. It'll be alright." Then he let Casey alone and went to go see his brother, who was sitting on the couch in the living room.

"Guys, I'm fine! Stop coddling me!" Raph was demanding, batting away concerned hands.

"Raphael, what do you expect? We're trying to treat you as normally as possible, but the truth of the situation is that things have changed drastically. It's going to take time to go back to how it was if we ever do." Donnie said gently. Raph turned away with a huff, making him sigh. "That reminds me, I need to check your arms." Raph narrowed his eyes, tensing up and ready to argue.

"Raph, please. The last thing we want is for you to get an infection." Mikey whimpered, and damn Raph couldn't deny his baby brother. He got up with a heavy sigh, heading upstairs to the bathroom with Donnie, who shut the door behind them for privacy. Raph sat on the edge of the tub, and Donnie sat in front of him on the floor. He didn't say anything as he peeled away the bandages, but Raph did notice how he sucked in a huge gulp of air as the wounds were revealed.

They weren't incredibly long, but they were deep. In some places, Donnie thought he should have given him stitches. Oh well, they looked okay, though they did need to be cleaned.

"I'm going to clean them, okay? Lucky for you, there doesn't seem to be any infection of the sort. As long as you keep them clean, they should heal fine." He said with a smile, but Raph didn't answer. He was looking out of the window, his gaze seeming troubled.

"Uh, bro? You still with me?" Donnie asked nervously.

A pause, then-- "I meant what I said."

"Huh?" Donnie blinked in confusion.

"I meant what I said in the kitchen. I love you guys more than anything. I want you guys to be happy, even more than I want to be. I'd be miserable for the rest of my life if it meant my family was okay and happy." He whispered, his gaze staying firmly on a spot outside the window.

Donnie stared up at him, dumbfounded. Is this what Raph really thought?? He felt like an ass. How did he not notice his little brother was going through all of this turmoil? With a small sob escaping him, he lunged at Raph and hugged him as tight as he could, almost toppling them over into the bathtub.

"D-Donnie, what the hell?" Raph said, but he was shocked into silence as he heard his brother sob.

"Raphael, that's not healthy. You need to put yourself on the same level as us, if not higher. You have to take care of yourself, mentally physically and everything in between. You don't have to sacrifice your own well being for anyone! Not even our family. He said, trying to sound firm but his shaking voice gave him away. "Please, don't think that you're any less deserving of happiness."

Raph didn't reply, he just rubbed Donnie's back to help calm him down enough to let him go.

"Okay, Donnie. I'll work on it. Just...no more crying, okay?" Raph said. Donnie nodded, sniffling and wiping his face. He continued where he left off, cleaning Raph's wounds and re-wrapping his arms.

 When he got done, Donnie got up and wiped his face one more time. "Okay, these should be fine as long as you don't pick at them, and let them scab and heal naturally. There will be some scarring, but it won't be as bad if you don't mess with the wounds."

Raph nodded absentmindedly, already beginning to fiddle with the end of the bandages. Donnie sighed but didn't call him out; instead, he said, "How about we go downstairs? You haven't eaten yet and I'm sure Mikey would make you some breakfast if you asked."

"I'm way ahead of you, bro!" Mikey appeared in the doorway of the bathroom, giving his older siblings about three heart attacks apiece in the process.

"Do you-stop screaming, it's just me-do you both want either bacon or sausage? Or both?"

"Both? Yeah, both sound good." Raph replied after his heart slowed down.

 "Awesome! I'll get cooking. April and Casey are getting ready to leave for school, so we'll have the house to ourselves, bros!" Mikey disappeared down the stairs.

Raph watched him go with a grin. If there was one thing that always made him happy, it was seeing his family happy. But then he thought about what Donnie said, about how Raph needed to start thinking about his own happiness and not comparing himself to his brothers so much. He didn't know if he'd be able to do that...His brothers were amazing, but he didn't see that same potential in himself. At least not today, he didn't.

 


	16. Calm Before The Storm

Raph had a lot on his mind. What else was new, right? He was just...wondering what was going on with Leo. When Raph had returned to the lair for his stuff, Leo had handed him his sketchbook and given him an apology, then when Raph gets back to April's place he sends him a bullshit text like that? Did he just apologize for appearance's sake? That hurt, but Raph honestly wasn't surprised. Leo did a lot of things just for appearances.

"Stop thinking so hard." Casey gave Raph a light whack on the back of the head.

"Oh, sorry _Mom_." Raph said, shoving Casey off of the couch and smirking at the yelp that was released from the teen.

"Dude! So not cool!" Casey muttered, sitting next to the turtle after picking himself off of the floor.

Raph stuck his tongue out childishly, before returning his attention to his sketchbook. It's what he'd been working on before his thoughts had been taken by his brother.

"What are you drawing?" Casey asked, trying to peer over Raph's arm to see. Raph covered the page by holding it against his chest, shoving him away.

"None of your business!" He said defensively, rolling his eyes as Casey let out a dramatic sigh.

"DUDE! Come on, I'm dying to see your art! Mikey keeps telling me how awesome you are, but you won't let me SEE!" He whined, throwing himself across Raph's lap with a dramatic flourish.

Raph looked ready for death, and now that Casey thought about it, maybe that wasn't the best phrasing... He was glad he didn't voice it.

"If I show you, will you stop bugging me?"

"No promises." Casey shrugged.

With an annoyed groan, Raph handed him the page he was working on.

"W-Whoa..."

Casey didn't know what he was expecting, but it wasn't this. It was common knowledge that Raph was mostly hard edges with a soft spot every pink moon, but his art portrayed the exact opposite, all soft edges and intimacy.

Whether it was a simple sketch of April or his brothers, or a detailed piece of the New York skyline or of Leo (Casey didn't like that one; Raph didn't need to waste his time and hard earned skill on him), Raph's drawings were, simply, _soft._ But inexplicably, still Raphael-esque.

"Well?" Raph asked sharply, his arms crossed as he tried to pretend he didn't care about Casey's opinion. He wasn't very convincing.

"Raph, these are amazing." Casey smiled. "Totally metal, dude!" Raph smirked a little; that meant a lot to him, but he wasn't going to get all sentimental about it. Raph was done with the tears for now; he wanted to feel like himself again.

"How long have you been drawing?" He asked curiously, handing Raph his sketchbook back.

"My whole life, I guess." He shrugged. "Mostly when I was younger, because I had to do something to fill the time. We weren't old enough to come up here, and my brothers were doing their own thing. So drawing became my thing."

"Who else has see your drawings?" Casey asked.

"Well, Mikey and Donnie, but Donnie was on accident. He thought I had one of his notebooks for his dorky experiments and took my sketchbook."

Casey smirked. "How mad were you?"

Raph chuckled at the memory. "I was more annoyed than mad. But yeah, only they have seen it. I don't think Master Splinter even knew I liked to draw until recently."

"You didn't tell him? Why?" Raph shrugged. "It didn't seem important." Casey frowned, but before he could respond, April walked in and called for Raph's attention.

"Can I talk to you for a minute? Alone?" She asked, looking excited but also sort of sheepish.

Raph raised an eye ridge, looking to Casey to see if he had any idea what this was about. At his clueless look, Raph turned back to April.

"Is...everything okay?" He asked, trying to stifle the dread beginning to rise in his stomach. He wasn't in trouble, he thought. This wasn't like back at the lair, where a phrase like that meant he was fucked. This was just a private conversation among friends.

With a deep breath, he got up and followed April, handing Casey his sketchbook after a moment of hesitation.

"So...what's up?" He asked when they got back to April's room, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms over his chest. It stung a little, but he ignored the pain in favor of the slight protection. Not that he expected to be hit, but you never knew.

 "Well...Donnie told me about something that might help you out...He said you did it a lot but he didn't know if you still did...?" She seemed to be trying to get him to fill in the blanks, but he was drawing a blank himself.

"Umm....and that would be?"

"...Knitting." Raph felt conflicted; on one hand, he was relieved it was nothing huge or serious. On the other hand, he was embarrassed that she knew. It was something he did in private; it wasn't something he wanted to be laughed at for.

"N-Not that there's anything wrong with it!" She rushed to assure him, then continued, "I just...I got you something that I hope could help you out." She dug around in her bookbag to retrieve a medium sized bag, holding it out towards him.

Raising an eye ridge, he took it from her and peered inside, almost dropping it in surprise when he saw what was inside. "W-Whoa."

Inside was a lot of stuff, from different colors and types of yarn to different sizes of knitting needles. This could not have been cheap in any way, shape or form...

"April, you didn't have to do this, you know that, right?" He said, swallowing thickly.

"Duh, of course I know." She rolled her eyes with a small grin. "But I wanted to. Donnie and Mikey helped me pick out what colors and what types of needles you would want, so they get a lot of the credit. All I did was pay for it."

Silence, then she found herself enveloped in a quick but thorough hug. Before she could even think to reciprocate, Raph had pulled away, his cheeks pink.

"Thanks. This means a lot." He muttered under his breath. He wasn't a hugger, more equipped to handle a punch than most forms of affection unless in the most extreme of circumstances. Apparently, this was one of said circumstances.

"No need for thanks." She smiled. "Just make me something, so I can see your amazing work." He smiled at her, a slight challenge in his look as he thought of how he could be a complete and utter show off.

"It's a deal."

* * *

Raph stored the supplies in his room, before heading back to the couch. Casey was gone, replaced by Mikey and Donnie. Raph plopped down next to them, throwing his arms over their shoulders and playfully yanking them in close.

"So, I hear that my two brothers are trying to get me into knitting again." He said conversationally, as if his two brothers weren't struggling to free themselves while laughing.

"Come on, it's a good idea!" Mikey whined, finally popping free.

"Yeah," Donnie agreed as he was let go, "It's a great way to keep your hands busy and keep your mind off of negative things. The repetitive motions can be soothing as well as distracting, while also providing a way to be productive."

"Okay, okay, I get it." He rolled his eyes. "I already promised that I would make April something, so I can't exactly back out now." He shrugged.

"I hope you plan on making things for your loving, supportive brothers." Mikey said pointedly, making puppy dog eyes while Donnie snorted at his lack of subtlety.

"Eh, I'll think about it." Raph said, forcing himself to seem uncaring and holding his breath so he didn't burst out laughing when Mikey let out a pitiful whine, his puppy dog eyes growing ten-fold.

"Okay, okay, I'll make you something. Just put those saucers away." Raph shoved Mikey back out of his personal space.

A comfortable silence reigned as they watched tv. It was almost like old times, except for the few key differences that Raph was trying to ignore with everything in him. He didn't want to keep thinking about the past right now. He wanted to just spend time with his brothers and not think about Leo, or the bandages on his arms that were itchy, or the way his brother's gave him worried glances when he picked at them.

Right now, he just wanted to pretend that everything was and would be fine, and that nothing could harm him in this moment of peace.

If only it could be so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The knitting isn't a random thing; Raph was shown knitting in a 2003 short, a 2012 TMNT comic, and in the 2014 TMNT movie. I'm a crocheter myself so I love that part of him and wanted to include it.


	17. Leo Fucked Up

Back in the lair, Leonardo was having a bad time. Master Splinter had only talked to him to bring him meals, and he was only allowed to leave his room to use the restroom. It was torture, especially since he had his T-Phone take away and he couldn't even ask how Raph was doing. Though, he wasn't sure he'd get an answer even if he did.

He sighed, putting his head in his hands. What had he done? He hadn't mean to hurt Raphael the way he did...He just didn't know what else to do!

Raph never talked to his family about his problems, and it got to the point where he didn't even want to live with them anymore, and then April and that Casey kid worm their way in and all of a sudden Raph is comfortable enough with them to even let the boy hold him during a panic attack?! Raph didn't even let Master Splinter pat his shoulder after a dangerous mission without cringing, but he was perfectly fine to cling on to some random human boy when he was breaking down?!

Letting out a growl of jealousy, Leo punched the wall with anguish. Raph was his brother, why did he refuse to let him take care of him? The rational part of Leo's brain told him that his attitude and possessive nature over his brothers is what drove Raphael away in the first place, but Leo pushed that thought away with the help of raging jealousy. Nothing romantic, but the fact that Raph was more comfortable with humans they had just met than with his brothers and father, who he'd been with his entire mutant life.

"...I didn't mean to hurt him." He had told Master Splinter when he came to bring him lunch. "I...I was just--"

"Leonardo," Master Splinter interrupted, "Sometimes, one's intent doesn't matter in the way of what the consequence was. I have always told Raphael not to let anger and negative emotions fuel him. Now I am saying the same to you." Then the master walked away before Leo even had time to try and come up with a response.

Sitting back on his bed with his food, he thought back to when he had sent the text. He was in a petty, jealous mood. He remembered thinking that since Raph was so close to Casey and April, since they were such a good support system, then the message shouldn't have bothered him, right? But Leonardo was so wrong. Instead, one of the worst things he could think of had happened; Raphael had injured himself, almost died even, because of him.

Another reason, besides jealousy, was that Leo didn't know how to handle this, honestly. He didn't know how to handle a vulnerable, depressed Raphael, so he tried to act normal. He thought making him mad might...snap him out of it? Even when it didn't seem to work and everyone was treating Raphael gently, Leo still foolishly thought that if he kept pushing and pushing and pushing, that Raphael might crack, and go back to being his usual angry self. But all this was just out of selfishness; he wanted Raph the way he was before so Leo would know how to deal with him, instead of getting to know and adapting and helping this new side of Raphael heal. All he had done instead was tear open the wound even further.

Now that Leo was reflecting, he felt completely idiotic. Why did he think that picking Raphael apart even more than the turtle had done to himself would help anything? All it did was cut Leo off from Raph and increase the chances of Raphael never coming home.

But it was too late to change it now. Although Leo would do anything to go back and make sure he did things right from the very beginning, he had no such power. All he could do was sit in his room and wait, hoping that it wasn't too late for Raphael to come home; hope that Leo had the chance to become the big brother he should have been, if only he had swallowed his pride.

Leo felt tears well up in his eyes, and he let them fall as he had no one to be strong for. Everyone close to him wanted nothing to do with him now, and he couldn't blame them. He didn't want anything to do with himself either, but it wasn't like he could leave his body behind. Even if he found some way to get to April's house, they probably wouldn't let him anywhere near Raphael. He sniffled, the tears rolling faster at the thought of Raphael having to be protected from him instead of comforted by him.

The oldest turtle fell back onto his carapace, staring at the ceiling as if it had the answers to all his problems. Oh, if only. But the only one who could fix that was Leo, and that was only if everyone was willing to let him back in.

"Leonardo." He pushed himself up onto his elbows, looking up as Master Splinter pushed his door open. It wasn't time fr dinner yet, so he didn't know what this was about. Maybe Master Splinter was going to let him come out of his room?

"Donatello and Michelangelo have returned for supplies. They wish to speak with you, so you may come out with me into the living room. No TV; listen to your brothers and what they have to say." Master Splinter turned and walked away, while Leo scrambled to his feet and hurried to follow him.

Donnie was sitting on the couch, Mikey next to him as Donnie checked the lair's defense systems via his laptop. They both froze when Leo came into view, and he could see how they closed themselves off from him. This was going to be a lot harder than Leo thought.

"Leo." Mikey stood, crossing his arms over his chest in a way that was so unlike him. "Raph...Raph wanted us to tell you something." He took a deep breath, steeling himself against the tiny part of him that wanted to break down and forgive Leonardo just so they could be a family again. It wasn't that simple, and it was time Leonardo understood that.

Donnie took over, seeing how Mikey was struggling slightly to form the words that needed to be said.

"Raphael wants you to know that...he misses you. He does, even though he says he shouldn't."

Mikey noticed how Leo seemed to relax a little hearing that, and it was enough to ignite the fire in his stomach to finish what Raph had needed to be said. He held up a hand to cut Donnie off, stepping into Leo's personal space until their faces were inches apart, his eyes sharp and cold like shards of ice.

"He also said that even though he misses you, he doesn't want to see you," he growled. "He doesn't want to be hurt anymore, and none of us are going to let you anywhere close to our brother until you learn how to act like a part of the family again." He ignored the hurt flashing in Leo's eyes, giving the older turtle a hard shove. "I still don't understand how you could hurt him like that!" He exclaimed, the floodgates opening as he continued, "He is our BROTHER! We're supposed to love each other, but ever since Raph left you've been too selfish and arrogant to realize that our brother needs our compassion and love, not our taunts and jeers!"

Leonardo was silent as Mikey screamed at him, his shoulders hunched and head hanging in shame. He had nothing to say, and even if he could think of something he would keep his mouth shut.

"Honestly, I don't even want to know why you're doing this; I'd rather you pull your shit together and fix it, if Raph even wants to see you again!" With a huff, Mikey stomped to the exit, resolving to stand there and wait for Donnie to get what they needed. He knew if he didn't put more distance between himself and Leo, he would start throwing punches.

 Leo was shaking, and they could all hear the small choked breaths he let out as he tried not to make his crying notable. But it was a failure; Leo was borderline sobbing, and there was no hiding it. Donnie walked past him to get to his lab, forcing himself not to comfort Leo or tell him it was going to be okay, because it wasn't okay. It was wrong and it was messy and honestly Donnie was happy to see Leo cry, only so he could see that Leo still cared about their family, because for a while there Donnie had been unsure. It was an awful feeling, to be unsure if a member of your family still cared.

In his lab, Donnie was packing up stuff to bring back, like medicine for Raph's wounds and some of Mikey's favorite snacks that he kept hidden to keep the youngest occupied whenever he came in to bug Donnie when he was trying to work. His laptop and charger was also added to the bag Casey had lent them to pack some stuff in it. Luckily, Mikey had talked about all the stuff he wanted to bring on their way, so Donnie went into Mikey's room, noting how Leo had sat down on the couch and wrapped his arms around himself in a form of comfort. Master Splinter was sitting next to him, not offering comfort but letting him know that he wasn't alone all the same.

If only he could have realized how alone Raphael was feeling, then maybe all of this could have been avoided. Donnie didn't blame Master Splinter for what Raph had done. He felt like all of them were to blame in some way, and that thought made his heart sink. With a shaky sigh, he shook the thoughts away and went into Mikey's room. He stepped delicately over the constant mess and swept his action figures into the bag, along with his favorite blanket and the worn, ragged stuffed bear that Raph had knitted him a long time ago.

"Okay, I'm pretty sure I got everything we're going to need." Donnie said, joining everyone in the room. Leo had stopped crying by now, but he didn't look up when Donnie spoke and he was still curled up into himself like he wanted to disappear, and maybe he did.

"Will you tell Raphael to give me a call, if he is comfortable? I would like to hear from my son's mouth how he is doing." Master Splinter requested, and Donnie nodded. Of course he would do that.

"What about you, Leonardo? Anything you want to say to Raphael?" Splinter asked, his eyes boring into his son. Despite the intense look, Leo shook his head. "I only want Raphael to speak to me when he's ready and comfortable."

"Well look at that, he's finally beginning to catch on." Mikey muttered sarcastically. Splinter sighed, his ears drooping as the tension rose in the room.

"...We should go." Donnie whispered, heading to the entrance where Mikey hadn't moved.

Master Splinter stood to watch them leave, and when they were finally gone, he turned to Leonardo who hadn't released his tensed up form.

"Leonardo." He flinched, looking up to his sensei.

"Come. Meditating will help you clear your mind and figure out what to do next." He headed to the dojo, Leonardo quick on his heels. He would do anything to begin to set things right again.

Leo just hoped he hadn't done too much damage already.


	18. Get A Move On

Raph hated this bullshit.

He was exhausted, but his mind was racing. When Donnie and Mikey had returned, Raph was taken aback by the fact that Master Splinter wanted to speak with him. The thought brought up memories of disappointed eyes and harsh words and red welts on his legs and arms from his cane or his tail. The last thing he wanted to do was talk to Splinter.

Mikey sat next to Raph, grabbing his hand. He had taken to doing this ever since Raph was found in the bathroom as if he was reassuring himself that Raph was there and wasn't going anywhere. The one thing Raph regretted was that Mikey knew what happened to him. His little brother didn't deserve to be tainted by the dark thoughts swirling in his head.

"We also noticed something on the way back here," Donnie said, capturing everyone's attention. The ominous tone in his voice set Raph on edge immediately.

"The Foot are a lot more active in this area as of recently. I think...I think they know you're staying here, Raph." Raph's breath froze in his throat. "We need to move, then. But where?" April asked, but Raph already knew the answer.

"The lair." His idea was instantly met with protests, as he expected.

"What?! No way you're going back there, man!" Casey argued, jumping to his feet in righteous indignation.

"Well, I can't stay here! I don't want the Foot to attack you guys because they want to get to me!" Raph countered, trying to stay calm despite the heightened tension in the air. Usually, he was the one to first go off when the tension got thick, but now he just wasn't feeling in the mood.

April sighed, rubbing her temples. "Well, I'm sure there's somewhere we can put you that doesn't risk our physical health and your mental health."

"Oh yeah? Where?" Raph challenged, and the silence that followed only cemented in his mind that there was nowhere else for him to go but home. Besides, it wasn't like he could keep hiding forever.

"Maybe I can set you up in another separate part of the sewer. That way, you'll be in the sewers and safer, but your mental health won't deteriorate." Donnie suggested.

"Don't you have more important things to do, Donatello? I mean, thank you for wanting to do that but it's a waste of time and resources. I'll be fine." Raph tried to assure all of them, but none of them were budging.

"All in favor of my idea?" Donnie asked, and everyone except for Raph raised their hands. Donnie shrugged, not looking at all sorry as he said, "Sorry bro, majority rules."

"Wh-! This isn't a democracy!" Raph sputtered, but he knew that it was futile. Donatello would do what he wanted if he thought it was for the greater good.

"Maybe not, but we all want what's best for you, Raph," April said, touching his shoulder.

"Fine, fine, I get it." He grouched. "But I'm helping you set it up, at least."

Donnie didn't seem to like that if the way his face scrunched was anything to go by, but he knew it was the only way to implement this smoothly. "Deal, but don't tear open your wounds. They're just starting to heal well." 

Raph gave a long-suffering sigh. "Yes mom, I'll be careful! Now when are we gonna do this?" He asked.

"Well, it would be best to do this as soon as possible, since we don't know how long they've been watching you here," April replied. "We can all help, you know. It would make it go by faster."

"Except Casey, he'll take forever," Raph smirked at Casey's indignant squawk, dodging the human's attempt to shove him off of the couch.

Donnie sighed, rubbing between his eyes. While he knew April was right, he also knew that there was the chance of Raph being discovered by Leo or Master Splinter before he was ready, and the last thing he wanted was for Raph to be unprepared and unwilling to talk to them again. That might drive the wedge even deeper, and Donnie did eventually want Raph to come home.

On the other hand, there was really no safer option for Raphael. Anywhere else was either to dangerous to their friends, Raph's mental health, or risked discovery way too easily for any of their likings. They'd just have to deal with the hand they were given.

"Okay, well how about we go early in the morning before the sun rises? The Foot rarely attack when it's so close to dawn since it doubles their chances of being seen." Mikey suggested. Sometimes they all forgot that Mikey wasn't completely stupid, and he never failed to surprise them with his smart ideas.

"Sounds like a plan. Anyone else got any ideas they wanna share?" Raph asked, and no one spoke up for a moment before Casey asked probably the most important question of all.

"So, where are we going to get all of the supplies to make this hideout for Raph? It's not like Donnie can just waltz in and take whatever he needs without some sort of questioning, I'm guessing?"

Donnie sighed, nodding. "I could say I'm doing an experiment but then Master Splinter would want to know more and make sure I'm not endangering anyone."

"Well, we could raid the junkyard?" There's bound to be something there." April suggested.

"True...And Leo is still grounded so I don't think we're going to run into him." Mikey shrugged. "So that's one less thing to worry about."

Raph clapped his hands and got to his feet. " So it's settled. We're going to raid the junkyard tonight, and start up a hideout in the sewer closer to dawn."

With the plan in motion, everyone went to get some sleep to make sure they were well rested for their excursion later that night.

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted on FF.net.


End file.
